


In the Place to Be

by katnisskirk



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex never sleeps, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexual Character, Asexual John Laurens, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I repeat Thomas Jefferson is not in love with James Madison, John probably has anxiety, Texting, There is too much going on in this story please be careful, Thomas Jefferson is not gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-05-20 00:31:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 38,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5986273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katnisskirk/pseuds/katnisskirk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Alexander Hamilton accidentally throws a book at the back of John Laurens' head and a conversation ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Notebook

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here we are, everyone. I'm writing fanfiction about the founding fathers. You're reading fanfiction about the founding fathers. What a time to be alive! I hope this is enjoyable.
> 
> It all starts with a book, as many long-lasting relationships do.
> 
> This idea originally came from this prompt on [this au post](http://katniss-kirk.tumblr.com/post/94467659787): "we go to the same coffee shop every evening to do homework but we never speak to each other until today AU" but it's definitely not really focused on that.
> 
> If you like this, please comment because I am self-conscious and I need your support. (Also, I need to know if I should continue to use my valuable homework-doing time to write this instead.) You can find me on tumblr [here](http://katniss-kirk.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Thanks!!! <3

It was just after midnight when someone bumped into Alex’s table on their way past, knocking his half-full, lukewarm cup of coffee right into his lap. 

He jerked away from the table to avoid the spill, sending one of his 9 notebooks flying across the room. His surroundings came into focus just soon enough for him to witness his precious leather-bound journal careening into a mass of lovely brown curls he’d gotten quite familiar with over the last few weeks. 

 “Shit!” he yelped, surging to his feet so quickly that his chair tipped backwards in protest.

The sudden movement was followed by a wave of nauseating dizziness which nearly sent Alex to the floor right along with his chair. He grabbed onto the table, somehow managing to steady himself. Had he eaten today? He thought so. After that last espresso shot and before Eliza—Sky Café’s best barista and one of Alex’s best friends—had said goodbye at the end of her shift. Or maybe that was yesterday? Was it Thursday? Eliza didn’t work on Thursdays.

 Either way, his pants were soaked through with coffee and it felt like his heart was skipping beats, right along to the rhythm of the caffeine pulsing through his veins, probably. His hands shook as he released the table —how strange—and he had a brief moment of exhaustion-induced disorientation wherein he completely lost track of where he was. 

“Are you alright?”

Alex blinked, his face scrunched up in confusion. “What?” The word came out with more force than he’d intended, given the response he received. 

“I only asked if you were alright,” said the curly-haired victim of Alex’s clumsiness, who also happened to have a lovely face dusted with even lovelier freckles and an absolutely dazzling smile. 

Alex shook his head to clear it, drawing a concerned look from the other guy. 

“No—I’m fine, I think—what day is it?”

“It’s, uhh, Thursday? Well, technically Friday.”

“Oh, that’s good, that’s—okay. I should get back to work then,” Alex mumbled, half to himself, his focus already drifting back to his laptop screen, then to his notebooks, before he remembered the reason he was standing up in the first place. Too many things had happened in the last 2 minutes for him to keep track of it all. Seriously, when had he last slept? 

“I would like to apologize for throwing my journal at you, as I’m sure that wasn’t a pleasant incident for you, and it was certainly not my intention to concuss you or cause you harm in any way. I hope you can forgive me. Do you drink coffee? Let me buy you something to make up for the harm I’ve done.”

“I think I’m fine. I barely even felt it,” the guy laughed, bringing a hand up to his voluminous mane of hair, which was currently trapped in a ponytail. 

Alex snorted, his gaze lingering on that buoyant bouquet of curls for maybe a few seconds too long. “I’m glad, but surely there must be something I can do.”

“Well, do you live on campus?”

“No, I have an apartment in Hilltop, but I try not to be home very often,” Alex said, not bothering to wait for a response before entering into his standard diatribe on the subject. “My roommate is one contrary son of a bitch. I can’t stand to be within a mile of that goddamn asshole, let alone in the same apartment as him. It’s as if he has intentionally decided to disagree with everything I think or say. A friend of mine says I should just let it go. Apparently I’m the one making trouble because I defend my beliefs. Can you imagine? If I’m being honest, I’m not so good at diplomacy, but when you know you’re right, how are you supposed to compromise on that? God dammit, he’s just intolerable, I mean, incredibly pompous, self-indulgent, intransigent—“

Alex broke off at the chuckle from the recipient of his latest Jefferson rant. He hadn’t exactly _meant_ to go off like that, but as of late, the mere thought of Jefferson made his blood curdle in veins. 

“I’m sorry, I know I need to talk less. My mouth gets away from me sometimes. Why did you want to know where I live?”

The grin on Alex’s new acquaintance’s face was absolutely arresting. How could one person radiate so much warmth and energy? 

“No worries. I know quite a few people like your roommate.” He made a sound between a laugh and sigh, and Alex really wanted to ask him to explain, but he forced himself to shut up. It wouldn’t do to make himself look any more discourteous than he already had in the last 5 minutes.

After a beat, the other man continued, apparently deciding to change the subject back to the issue at hand. “I only ask because I was planning to leave soon and I figured we could just go together. I see you here a lot and it would be nice to have company on the walk home. We live in the same building, oddly enough.”

“Oh, no, I can’t leave yet.” The words were out of Alex’s mouth before he even processed what he’d heard. Someone other than the Schuyler sisters thought he would make for decent company? That was new. And definitely intriguing.Regardless, he still had so much left to do. It wouldn’t be smart for him to abandon his work so soon. 

“I have to finish my economics paper and my review of the college’s financial plan for next year, then there’s the latest post on the Gazette that begs a response from someone with actual knowledge of immigration laws. Did you read that article? It was a goddamn mess, full of logical fallacies and blatantly distorted statistics.” 

He tried his hardest to explain, aiming for a tone that did not sound like he was offering up an excuse. He’d already done enough harm for one day. He didn’t need to insult the man, too.

“Alexander!” 

He jumped and spun around to find George Washington, his advisor and longtime mentor, standing near the counter gazing in his direction. What was he doing here so late? The world titled on its axis as Alex’s brain caught up to his sudden movement. The black spots that blotted out his vision briefly caused him panic, but thankfully, they subsided quickly.  

“Sir?”

“Go home!” 

Alex nodded with fervor, then hastily began to pack up his stuff. There was no way he was going to argue with the only man who had believed in him all those years ago, when he was a young and naive freshman looking for confrontation at every turn. Now that he was in the last year of his Master’s degree program, he had a great many expectations to live up to and he only looked for confrontation around _every other_ corner.

When he finally had everything packed up, except his wayward notebook, he looked up to find the aforementioned object in the hands of—

“I’m sorry, I never caught your name.” 

“John. John Laurens. And you’re Alexander?”

“Yes. Alexander Hamilton.” 

“It’s nice to meet you, Alexander. I suppose you’ll be wanting this back?” John asked, waving the thick book in the air in front of Alex’s face.

“Yes! Thank you.”

John’s smile widened as he slipped the book into his own bag. Alex gaped at him. What exactly did he think he was doing?  

“Excuse me, but I don’t think—“ 

“Walk home with me, then,” John proposed, interrupting Alex and flashing him a grin that was all teeth. Alex’s stomach flipped before he could tamp down on the intensity of his attraction to John. God dammit. He didn’t have _time_ for this. 

Alex huffed in disbelief. This night certainly was not going as planned, but maybe that was partially his fault. John probably hadn’t planned to be pelted with books tonight. 

“Fine, if you insist. It’s the least I can do after so rudely disrupting your night.”

“Good.” John’s smile seemed to soften. He was clearly pleased with himself.

They both slipped out the door, Alex doing his best to ignore how unstable his legs felt beneath him. It was a 25 minute walk. He’d done much worse than this. Honestly, he’d only been up for, what, 36 hours? And he definitely ate at least once on…it couldn’t have been Tuesday. It must have been Wednesday. Right?

Right. 

John was humming as he walked, something that sounded vaguely familiar but Alex was too exhausted to piece it together. That was okay. He had Red Bull in his fridge back at his room and he would be good for the rest of the night on that. 

“What are you studying?” Alex asked, just to end the silence. It was a lot easier to stay alert when he talked. That usually meant talking to himself on his walks home, but this was admittedly a much better alternative. He didn’t really mind the weird looks people threw his way, but it was nice to get out of his own head for a while. 

“Oh!” John’s entire body radiated delight and Alex caught himself smiling reflexively in response. “Public policy and ethnic studies. My Bachelor’s is in pre-law, which I didn’t particularly…enjoy, but I’m so happy with what I’m doing now. I’ve been working with ACLU for two years now and I can’t imagine doing anything else. What about you?”

“Officially, economics, but I’ve been taking courses in journalism and poli-sci as well. The registrar has been giving me shit about doing all three, but I’m going to get approval whether he likes it or not.”

John nodded along, matching Alex’s pace step for step as they navigated their way across campus. “What year are you in?”

“Oh, this is for my Master’s.”

“And you’re taking courses in three different fields? How have you possibly had the time to do all that? Don’t you sleep?”

“Not really,” Alex blurted, dead serious, before he realized that was absolutely not something he should admit. He knew most people wouldn’t understand it, but Alex couldn’t waste time on sleep. There was so little time and so many things he had yet to do. But he couldn’t take back the words, so he just prepared himself for John’s judgement.

Worry had worked itself into John’s features. “You don’t sleep?”

“Not really,” Alex repeated, avoiding John’s gaze. He had no interest in seeing the disapproval on John’s face. Alex was doing just fine and he didn’t need any advice from anyone about how to manage his own life. He got enough of that from Angelica and Eliza already.

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m just trying to—“ John laid his hand on Alex’s arm for a brief moment and Alex’s eyes flicked to his face, where conflicting feelings disrupted his once pleasant demeanor. “I’m trying to understand. Why do you work yourself so hard? I see you at Sky pretty often. Don’t you ever go home and relax?”

Alex shook his head. “I don’t have time to waste on relaxation.”

“How many courses are you taking this semester?” John asked, concern saturating his voice. Frankly, Alex wasn’t sure how he felt about the fact that someone was taking such an interest in his mental health. 

“Four.” He’d once tried to convince the college to allow him to take 5 classes, but apparently anything over 4 was definitely going to kill him, or so he had been advised. It was alright though, because he’d managed to get unofficial permission to sit in on some of the lectures he didn’t have room for in his schedule. “That’s not counting the two classes I sit in on that I’m not going to get any credit for.”

John faltered, exclaiming, “Six classes?”

“It’s no big deal.” 

“You’re joking, right? I can barely manage three.”

“No. I mean, I get a little frustrated at times, but that’s more to do with how little time there is in a day. That’s why I don’t sleep much.”

John heaved a sigh, looking at Alex like he was from a different planet. Maybe he was. 

They walked in silence for the remainder of the trip, until they reached the apartment building. Alex was on the first floor, but given John’s glance towards the stairwell, he lived on an upper floor.

“It was very nice meeting you, John. I’m sure I’ll see you again soon,” Alex offered, flashing a tired smile. 

“Perhaps. But tonight. You’ll sleep tonight?” 

“I haven’t the time.”

“Alexander, listen to me,” John implored, his tone taking on an edge that held Alex’s attention. The hand John placed on his arm didn’t help matters. “I know you want to be as productive as possible, am I correct in this?”

“Of course.”

“Then take a break. Take a break tonight and sleep for a few hours.” As he spoke, John grew insistent, his eyes taking on an intensity that unsettled Alex. 

But still, he couldn’t take John’s advice. “I have so much to do.”

“It can wait,” John reasoned, squeezing Alex’s arm once before releasing him. “Everything will still be there in the morning.”

Alex shook his head, but didn’t offer a counter-argument. Truth be told, he didn’t have one at this point in time. John’s argument was persuasive in its own right. He’d have a solid retort ready for the next time he saw John, he was sure of that. 

“Good night, John. I thank you for the advice. I will…consider it.”

“Of course. Any time. Have a good night, Alexander.”

They parted ways after that, John gliding away into the stairwell and Alex walking haphazardly down the hall to his door. It wasn’t until he collapsed onto his bed in an exhausted heap that Alex realized John still had his fucking journal. The one with all of his recent notes in it. 

He drifted off with a final ‘fuck you’ to the universe muttered under his breath.


	2. Lunch Date, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alex wakes up and has a confusing interaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is shorter than the last chapter and I didn't want to post it until I had a good chunk of the next chapter written, so here you go. I think I'll eventually figure out where this story is going, but as of right now, who knows???
> 
> Thanks again for reading & commenting!! It makes my day to know you guys are enjoying this! <3

Alex woke to the sound of…was that someone pounding on his door? He rolled over to glance at his clock and his breath caught when he saw how late it was. In that case, he ought to thank whoever was at his door since it appeared he hadn’t bothered to set an alarm the night before. 

“Coming!” he yelled, climbing out of bed as quickly as he could given how exhausted he still was. Oh well. He could sleep once he completed his degree. 

He glanced around as he made his way to the door, searching for signs of Jefferson. It didn’t look like he’d been home the night before. Which wasn’t surprising, really. Of late, he’d been spending a few nights a week somewhere else. Alex had no idea who’s bed he was sleeping in, but it definitely wasn’t his own, and really, that’s what mattered most. A Jefferson-free home was a happy home. 

Alex threw the door open, not sure who he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t Angelica Schuyler and John Laurens.

One or the other on their own, sure, that would have made sense. Angelica came over all the time to talk shop, among other things, and John still had Alex’s notebook, which he really wanted back, like right now, immediately. 

To say he was speechless wasn’t entirely correct. He had a lot of things he wanted to say. But none of the words would come out of his mouth, so he just stared at the two of them, wondering what the fuck he had done to deserve this. Angelica was…intense on a good day and it was most certainly not a good day. As for John, his presence had the strange effect of turning Alex’s brain into a mud puddle. 

He ran a hand through his hair, realizing belatedly that he probably looked like he’d been swallowed by whale and promptly spit back up. In reality, it had just been a little too long since his last shower and he maybe needed to stop staying out all night working, but he wasn’t going to admit the latter to anyone but himself. 

“Alex, are you going to let us in?” Angelica asked, her eyebrows lifting as she looked from Alex to John and back again. 

“I’m not sure that I want to,” Alex hedged, his eyes shifting over to John, who as of yet, had said nothing. He looked a little uncomfortable to be honest. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“We had plans this morning,” Angelica said, indicating herself and John. Before Alex could react to this new piece of knowledge—Angelica and John knew each other?—Angelica was already bowling forward with her explanation. “John mentioned needing to return something to someone he met last night at Sky, and of course, when I saw what he had, I knew it was yours. No one else in this century writes exclusively in leather bound journals.”

Alex stepped away from the door, sweeping his arm across the doorway in invitation. “Thank you, Angelica, I’m glad to see you recognize my refined tastes. You might as well come in.”

With a sharp bark of laughter, Angelica glided into the apartment, her hair flowing behind her like a cape.One look at John, whose gaze was fixed on Angelica, and Alex felt some modicum of understanding dawn on him. Angelica was indeed a beautiful woman, and she and John would make a lovely couple. He made it a point to store this realization for later. Perhaps when John looked a bit less wary of being in some near stranger’s apartment. Then Alex would ask about their relationship. 

“No Jefferson today?” Angelica asked, dark eyes scanning the apartment for any trace of him. She didn’t dislike Jefferson as strongly as Alex did, but then again, neither did anyone else. 

“Nah, he’s been staying out a lot lately,” he said it offhandedly, not realizing he should have kept his mouth shut until after the words were said. Hoping to make the information sound drab and entirely uninteresting, he quickly added, “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

It didn’t work.

Angelica’s eyes were bright in her excitement. She was the biggest gossip of their friend group for sure. That wasn’t to say that she liked to spread rumors. Actually, she was quite thorough in her information gathering process and most of the things she knew about people were 100% true. Alex didn’t want to think of all the dirt she had on him. 

“Any idea who he’s sleeping with?” Angelica asked, eliciting a snort from Alex. He didn’t know anything about Jefferson’s private life, and he didn’t want to. Yuck.

“No. But I’m sure James Madison would know.” As far as Alex knew, he was Jefferson’s closest—only?—friend. 

“Oh?”

Alex could almost see the gears turning in her head, previously disparate bits of information clicking together to form a big, illuminating realization that he absolutely did not want to hear about. 

“Ang, come on. I have a lot of work to do and I’m glad you woke me up, but I really need to—“

“Have you eaten? John and I were planning to go out for lunch, if you’d like to join us.”

Alex shot a glance in John’s direction. He still looked vaguely uncomfortable, but perhaps that was because Angelica was making new plans without including him? His gaze remained fixed on John, and he spoke carefully, “I’m sure John would rather I didn’t interrupt your date.”

The response was immediate from both John and Angelica. 

“What?” John exclaimed, eyes wide with what Alex assumed was shock. 

Meanwhile, Angelica had doubled over, the sound of her laughter filling the room, and okay, so Alex had definitely miscalculated.

He was so confused. If they weren’t secretly dating or something of that nature, then why had Alex never heard about John before? If Angelica had another close friend, one would think that Alex would have at least heard his name every so often. What reason was there to keep a friend a secret unless that friend wasn’t just a friend, but a new boyfriend? 

“Alex, honey, come to lunch with us, will you? You look like you haven’t eaten in a week.” He tried to interrupt, to say it hadn’t been more than 2 days, tops, but Angelica plowed onwards, leaving him no room to get a word in. “Don’t you dare try to tell me otherwise. Go change your clothes. Take a shower. You look…disheveled.”

That drew a short laugh from John. Alex glanced down at himself. So he’d slept in the same clothes he’d been wearing the day before. What was the big deal about that? The shower comment, however, was entirely founded and he absolutely needed to go do just that. 

“ _Fine_ , but when I get back, you’re going to explain why you’ve been keeping John all to yourself. It’s just cruel, Angelica. All this time, and not one word?”

Alex trudged off to the bathroom, feeling a bit like a petulant child for his outburst, but that was nothing new. Angelica was right anyways, as usual. He was starving and lunch sounded like a good idea, even if it meant putting off some of his extracurricular work for another day. 

Besides, he hadn’t seen Angelica in a few days and he really wanted to get to know John a little better. For completely savory reasons. 

_Yeah, right._ Alex sighed.

He got in the shower and absolutely did not think about John’s freckles.


	3. Lunch Date, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John, Angelica, and Alex share some light conversation over lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to try like hell to get the next chapter up today, but I sincerely doubt it will happen. 
> 
> Please enjoy this one, I really like it. As always, thank you for reading & comments make my day!! <3

“Okay, so you’re telling me that you’ve known John for months and I’ve just failed to notice?” Alex exclaimed, having bolted out of his chair 3 seconds earlier at Angelica’s proclamation that, yes, she and John had been friends for about half the year. John tried very hard not to laugh, but the outrage coloring Alex’s expression was just too much, and he cackled right along with Angelica. 

“So ignoring the fact that this makes no logical sense whatsoever, are you forgetting I lived with you for like two weeks last month? When Jefferson decided he was going to let 3 of his friends from France live in our apartment while they visited? Even though I specifically said _please_ , like 4 times, and then offered to temporarily put a hold on any public criticism of his idiocy. I thought I was being quite generous—“

“Alex, sit down!” Angelica hissed after another minute of Alex’s shouting, apparently the only one of them who cared that they were in a public restaurant. John redoubled his efforts and finally managed to stifle his laughter. The smile stayed firmly plastered on his face.

Alex sat down, but he didn’t stop talking. 

“Months, Angelica! This is crazy!”

“Well, it’s not like you’re all that observant, Alexander,” Angelica retorted with a roll of her eyes. John got the feeling that this was a conversation they’d had before. 

“Sure, I’ll give you that, but _come on_ ,” Alex whined, his gaze flicking to John briefly before snapping back to Angelica. He gestured wildly in John’s direction as he spoke. “With all due respect, I don’t think I have the capacity to _not notice_ John Laurens.”

Several feelings slammed into John all at once—surprise at Alex’s audacity, a rush of exhilaration for the very same reason, and when his brain finally caught up to the suggestion beneath the words, self-consciousness. He felt himself react, blushing hard, before he could tamp down on his emotions. 

John’s eyes met Alex’s across the table and he smiled softly, doing his best to interpret the grin on Alex’s face. The entire exchange was a silent conversation that John wasn’t sure he understood. He hoped he did, but his track record for such things was not very good.

After a pause, Angelica heaved a sigh and said, “Alex, honey, must you be so crude?”

Angelica’s hand on John’s arm pulled his attention away from Alex. She caught sight of the smile on his lips and her gaze turned curious. John refused to give her any kind of response. It always threw him off-guard when he met someone he was attracted to, not because it was a rarity, but the entire process confused him. Honestly, navigating the realm of dating was pretty difficult when none of it made _sense_. 

“It’s alright,” John said, ending the argument before it even began. He knew Angelica was just trying to be sensitive about his aversion to sex-related conversation, but honestly, he wasn’t even sure if he was supposed to interpret Alex’s words in that way. 

Angelica released John’s arm with a heavy sigh.

The expression on Alex’s face had changed completely, the open grin falling away to something gentler and more closed off. “No, it’s not alright. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, John. I suppose I should have just offered a normal compliment, one that could not be construed in a such a manner.”

“Well?” John prompted, a grin breaking out across his face at Alex’s sudden shift in tactic. Alex was more perceptive than Angelica gave him credit for. Regardless, John wasn’t going to turn down an opportunity to receive compliments from a guy he was so completely intrigued by. “Now’s your chance.”

Alex didn’t miss a beat. Of course not. “I think I would be remiss if I did not mention what about you first caught my attention.”

“And what was that?” 

Alex opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the return of the waitress, who had finally arrived with their orders. By the abrupt change in Alex’s expression, it was clear he really hadn’t eaten in a while. John decided right then and there that he wasn’t going to let this happen again, even if it meant anonymously sending food to Alex’s table while he was at Sky.

It was quiet for a moment as they all dug into their food, Alex doing so much more voraciously than either Angelica or John. 

“So, John, what’s new in your life?” Angelica asked, between spoonfuls of soup. 

John shrugged. There was a lot going on, what with his coursework and the latest project he was working on in conjunction with Lafayette and Hercules. They were hoping to organize an Open Mic Night, and they had all the details worked out, but it was turning out to be pretty difficult to find a free space in which to host the event.

“Me, Laf, and Herc have been working on something, but it’s not going so well. Beyond that, just a lot of classwork. I have three papers I need to find time to write by the end of the week, but I think I’ll manage just fine.”

Angelica nodded along. She had been done with her schooling for a couple of years now and was successfully running a business. That’s how he met her, actually, when he wandered in to Sky one day on a recommendation from Lafayette. The man had been praising Angelica’s baked goods for weeks and once Hercules got in on it, John finally cracked and made a detour on his way home from work one night. He’d been friends with Angelica ever since. 

“What’s this project? Why haven’t I heard anything about this yet?” 

“Oh, we were originally organizing an event for Black History Month, but it's been so difficult to plan that we've decided to open up our timeline a little bit. It’s supposed to be an Open Mic Night. We’ve got the spoken word group on campus on board, but it’s kind of at a standstill right now and it probably won’t actually happen for a while. If ever,” John explained, trying to mask his disappointment with a smile. They’d been planning this for weeks, but their venue had suddenly backed out on Monday, and they’d been floundering ever since. 

“I’m sorry,” Angelica began, more words seeming to be on the tip of her tongue, but she didn’t voice them aloud. Instead, she completely changed the subject, for which John was grateful. He didn’t want to dwell on the negativity in his life. “What was it you were saying this morning about the new Bernie campaign ad?”

John smiled, delighted even more so to return to the conversation they’d been having that morning, prior to Angelica realizing that John had had the “great displeasure of meeting Alexander Hamilton” the night before, or so she put it. Now that he’d seen the two of them interact, he didn’t think she really meant it. They seemed like siblings honestly. Anyone who would willingly argue with Angelica had to be either a close friend of hers or extremely stupid, and he didn’t think Alex was stupid.

“It’s wonderful! I don’t want to say too much, I think it would take away from the power of the message if I were to give away all the details. Let’s just watch it now,” John said, digging his phone out of his pocket.

Around a mouthful of food, Alex, who had been suspiciously quiet throughout the entire exchange, finally chimed in, moving like he was going to grab the phone out of John’s hands, “Is that the one with—”

“What did I _just_ say?” John growled, his eyes flicking up to Alex’s face. He barely refrained from swatting Alex’s hands away. 

“Oookay.” Alex was looking at him with wide eyes, but he kept his mouth shut, and John was satisfied. 

He pressed play on the video, angling it so that both Angelica and Alex could see it. His eyes flicked back and forth between their faces as he studied their reactions. This video meant a lot to him and he hoped that they would find it just as moving as he did. 

* * *

 

“So, are you going to stop over at Sky with us, John?” Angelica asked as they stood to leave. 

John shook his head, pulling on his jacket. “Nah, I’ve got plans with Hercules and Laf tonight, so I better go home and get some work done.”

“Ugh, fine. Are you guys going out tonight?”

“It’s the annual ‘Valentine’s Day’ Night. You’re welcome to join us,” John offered, holding the door for Angelica and then Alex, who probably would have walked straight into the glass otherwise. The man was in another world entirely, and John had to forcibly keep himself from placing a guiding hand on Alex’s back to prevent any potential mishaps. 

Angelica’s sudden enthusiasm pulled John’s attention back to her. “Absolutely! I’ll bring Eliza, too. She’s been complaining about not seeing me enough.”

He frowned in confusion. “Don’t you guys see each other at Sky?”

“You would be surprised how little our schedules actually overlap. She’s always got the night shift because of her schedule at the orphanage.”

“What are we talking about?” Alex suddenly asked, as if he hadn’t been walking right next to them for the duration of the conversation. 

“Oh, John’s just invited me out for some drinks with his friends tonight,” Angelica said, her tone overly dramatic, as if going out with John and company was some kind of honor.

In reality, Hercules was going to get trashed, and because he didn’t like to do shots alone, Lafayette was going to be even more trashed, and John was probably going to get puked on. Again. As long as they didn’t have another repeat of last year’s “Lafayette and Hercules decide to have a threesome and make out with each other because why not?” debacle. That wasn’t fun for anyone and John was pretty sure Hercules had been questioning his sexuality ever since. 

“Aren’t you a little old for that, Ang?” Alex quipped, jumping back a few steps even as he spoke, the slap he would have received from Angelica meeting only empty air.

John held his breath. He wasn’t going to laugh, not when he was a foot away from Angelica and much less attuned to her reactions.

“Jealousy doesn’t suit you, Alex.” 

“You’re invited, too,” John added, not sure if Angelica was serious or not. He didn’t want to ostracize Alex. “It’s just a stupid tradition we have. Every year, we go out on Valentine’s Day weekend and drink until someone throws up or starts a fight.”

“Which of those have you done?”

“Well, throwing up isn’t exactly my trademark.”

“Oh my god,” Alex chirped, patting John on the back so abruptly that he stumbled a little. “I’m so happy you just said that.”

After he recovered from whatever the weird feeling in his chest was, John prompted, “So, you’ll come out with us?” 

“I—“ Alex faltered, the look on his face taking on a pained quality, as if he was really struggling with the decision. “I shouldn’t.” 

They had reached the door to Sky. Angelica regarded Alex with more gentleness than any one person should be capable of. 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. One night of fun isn’t going to destroy your 10 Year ‘Take Over the Government’ plan.”

“I’m certain that it could.”

“Yes, anything _could_ happen, Alex. It’s just not very likely that something is going to happen tonight that catastrophically changes your life.”

“You speak too soon, Angelica,” John cut in, images of the last few times he had gone out flashing through his mind. He was never going to get over the incident regarding Hercules, John’s bed, and three—yes, _three_ —girls whose names no one even knew. “Something catastrophic is most definitely going to happen tonight. It’s just way more likely that I’ll be the recipient of the universe’s cruelty.”

Angelica, who had not been present for this most recent disturbance in John’s life, but had clearly been made privy to the story by Eliza, somehow managed to keep a hold on her laughter. Eliza had been the one to invite John over to her apartment that night, where he could sleep comfortably, with no thought as to what was going on in his bed, _his_ bed, of all places. 

Hercules had apologized profusely, vowing to never do such a despicable thing again, and John believed him. At least, he believed that it wouldn’t happen in his bed again. Lafayette’s? Maybe. But John had good friends who respected boundaries and he was so grateful for them. Even if they did puke on him sometimes.

“See, Alexander? You’ll be fine. John has even worse luck than you do.”

Alex tried to protest, even as Angelica bodily shoved him through the doorway into Sky. 

“We’ll see you tonight!” Angelica called back, and John grinned, finding himself oddly excited for what calamities this year’s ‘Valentine’s Day’ Night might bring. 


	4. Have Another Shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone gets a little drunk, but John and Alex still manage to have a good conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, I meant to go to bed hours ago and now I'm going to get less than 4 hours of sleep tonight!!!  
> Anyways, if there's any mistakes in this or like, giant gaping holes, let me know because while I have proofread it several times, I am tired and I probably missed things.
> 
> Please comment if you have a chance, it makes me so happy to see that people are enjoying this!!! :)
> 
> PS. This story has a plot now, sort of, or at least an end game of sorts. The lovely [ matleenamaddie](http://matleenamaddie.tumblr.com/) has been helping me out with plotting and ideas, so there's some good stuff to come!! <3

“Another shot?” John groaned, looking between Hercules and Lafayette, who had been drinking steadily since they’d arrived an hour ago. They were both dressed to the nines, Hercules wearing a dark red suit he’d specifically crafted for ‘Valentine’s Day’ Night, and Lafayette a heart-patterned skirt and a very impractical crop top—it was the middle of winter for god’s sake. Their matching headbands, with bright red hearts on springy antennae, reminded John that tonight was not going to be an ordinary night by any measure.

John, with his own much more modest heart-patterned headband, was not feeling all that festive. Usually, he would match them drink for drink, but he was feeling a little nervous and he was pretty sure alcohol would only make it worse. 

But then again, as his long history of drunken arguments had made clear, alcohol had the delightful effect of making him feel invincible. By that logic, there was some hope that drinking might actually improve his current situation. As long as he didn’t actually start any fights tonight. That would be a great third impression on Alex.

“Yeah, you too?” Lafayette asked, throwing an arm around John’s shoulders while using the other to signal the bartender for another round of shots. Sometimes he was scarily perceptive. 

The liquid that John was presented with was surprisingly…normal looking? Lafayette had questionable tendencies when it came to alcohol, so John really should have known better… 

“Just this one,” he said, draining the shot before he had a chance to second guess himself.

Regret immediately overpowered any other thoughts he’d been entertaining as the horrifying burning sensation kicked in. There was a brief moment when he thought he might have to resort to spitting it all back into his glass— _he was supposed to swallow this?_ —but his sense of dignity absolutely would not allow it. He swallowed hard, then downed half of Hercules’ rum and coke in hopes of putting out the fire that was currently raging in his mouth. 

It was another few seconds before he was able to speak, his tongue not cooperating after having all its taste buds singed off. “Jesus, Laf, what the hell was that?” 

Lafayette grinned, patting John on the back. “Fire and Torture. Tequila and hot sauce! It’s good, no?”

“Why would you—isn’t there supposed to be like, a lime or something with that?” John grumbled, feeling a little embarrassed, what with his eyes still watering and his tone taking on a whiny edge. “I’m pretty sure that almost killed me.”

“Oh, fuck, was that what that lime was for?” Hercules chuckled, extricating his drink from the death grip John had on the glass. “I ate it.”

John tried to wipe the look of misery off his face, but his mouth was _still_ burning, and of course Hercules had eaten his lime, why wouldn’t that happen to John. “That’s great, Herc. Real great.”

Hercules shrugged, his gaze flicking to something over John’s shoulder, and then he was up out of his seat and halfway across the bar before John had a chance to blink. 

“Be safe!” John called after him, the man as predictable as ever. He may not understand it, but he knew exactly what thoughts were on Hercules’ mind as he sauntered up to a group of women chatting on the other side of the room. 

When John looked back over at Lafayette, the man had the good grace to look at least slightly apologetic—if an amused smirk could be considered “apologetic”. The bottle of Sam Adams in his hand certainly helped his cause. If John hadn’t already forgiven him for this most recent transgression, he would have in that very instant. 

Smiling, he accepted the proffered bottle and decided that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get a little drunk tonight. 

“Thanks, Laf. For future reference, if you want to get me drunk, this is the way to go.” 

“Oh yes, I know,” he nodded, as if this information was an honor to be privy to. “But next time, you could try asking what the drink is _before_ you drink it.”

“Well, yeah, you got me there.” John laughed, but Lafayette’s logic was actually pretty sound. John felt a little silly now, for getting so worked up over something that was mostly his own fault. 

On that note, he decided it was time for a change of subject.

“Did you hear back from anyone about the venue yet?” John asked, knowing the answer even before Lafayette’s expression darkened. The disappointment he felt was at least slightly mitigated by the alcohol in his system. Tomorrow he would have to deal with feelings. Tonight, he was going to enjoy Valentine’s Day. 

“We heard back. Every place we called said the same thing: it’s too late to organize such an event,” he explained, relaying the news in a tone that said he had not yet given up hope. His next words came out with renewed vigor, perhaps an unspoken challenge to whoever might be listening, “My favorite said to me, ‘When’s white history month, huh?’ I was polite to explain to him the errors in his logic. Our talk made all of his customers leave. Maybe I was too — ”

“John! Hey!”

John whipped his head around, the voice vaguely familiar. When he saw Alex making his way through the crowd, Angelica and Eliza no where in sight, he hopped to his feet and waved in greeting. “Hey.”

“Alexander Hamilton,” Lafayette greeted, his tone much more amused than it had been moments ago. John supposed that had been his fault, bringing up negative, work-related stuff while they were out drinking. He’d have to try to avoid the topic, since it seemed to be a downer for Lafayette too, and making Lafayette feel bad was hard to accomplish. _Good job, John_.

“Ah, Lafayette. My favorite Frenchman. It’s good to see you again!” Alex grinned, accepting a hug from Lafayette. “You’re a friend of John’s?”

“Of course! Who would not want to be friends with our John?” 

With a smile that rivaled the luminosity of the sun, Alex met John’s eyes, their gaze holding for a few seconds too long. If not for the presence of Lafayette, and his uncanny ability to read minds,John thought he might have stared into those eyes for hours.

Lafayette cleared his throat, snapping John’s attention back to reality with a nice accompanying wave of embarrassment. 

He tore his eyes away, but that weird feeling in his chest was back and it wasn’t subsiding at all. At this point, it was probably time to admit to himself that these were Alex-related feelings, even if he didn’t know what to do with that information. 

For now, he was going to do him damnedest to ignore it. 

“Come on, Laf. I can point out at least three people in this bar tonight that don’t want to be friends with me,” John said, giving the room a cursory glance. “See? There’s Burr over there. And James Madison. They dislike me, or rather, my ‘agenda’.”

Alex laughed so hard he almost spit his suspiciously colored drink all over John, who was beginning to wonder if Lafayette might have a kindred spirit in Alex. They both had a penchant for drinking oddly colored liquors.

“Oh, so it’s not just me?” he finally forced out, after his laughter subsided.

“They are mistaken,” Lafayette declared, throwing his arms around both Alex and John in a gesture that made John feel very safe and warm. Or maybe that was the alcohol? Either way, he loved Lafayette and he was really glad they were friends.

“You came!” Someone shrieked from nearby and the bar seemed to fall silent for a moment, before bursting back into life when everyone realized nothing exciting was going on.

Eliza and Angelica cut their way through the crowd, reaching the bar where Alex and John were standing with Lafayette. 

Angelica was all smiles as she hugged Alex, Lafayette, and then John, and then Eliza as well, who didn’t seem to think it odd that they were randomly hugging. It was at that precise moment that John realized they must have had a few drinks already. 

“Alexander Hamilton. I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I told you I would be here, Ang. I wouldn’t lie, even if it did get you off my case for a while.”

“Of course not! We both know it’s more likely that you would forget you had plans.”

Eliza was looking at Alex with such interest, and dare he think, devotion, that John began to feel uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure if maybe there was something going on between the two of them, but the way Alex acted around him…well he’d thought Alex was interested in him. 

Of course, John’s sense for these things was practically non-existent, so why he’d felt that way was beyond him. 

“Let’s drink,” John announced with a forced smile, then proceeded to order himself another beer. This would still be fun, even though that feeling in his chest was morphing into something a bit more painful, like there wasn’t enough air in the room anymore.

The world had it out for him. He’d always known that.

————

 

“Alex, come dance with us,” Eliza urged, her voice a high-pitched whine that let John know she was borderline drunk. At the same time, Angelica grabbed hold of Alex’s arm and dragged him away from the bar. She managed to pull him a few steps before he got control of himself and tugged his arm free.

“I’m fine right here, but thank you for the invitation, ladies.”

Eliza’s expression drooped, her gaze sliding over to John, and he felt her despair as if it were his own. There was no anger in her demeanor, only longing, and John wished he had the power to help her. He wanted to apologize, to explain to her that there wasn’t anything going on between him and Alex, but then he caught sight of the look on Alex’s face and he was helpless to refute it. 

The silence that stretched on between them was painful, to say the least, and John didn’t know what he would have done if Lafayette hadn’t broken it.

“Ladies, I would love to dance.” He took each of their hands and proceeded to lead them away to the dance floor. The glance he shot back at John seemed to say “go for it” and John wasn’t really sure what that meant, but he was going to try.

He watched them go, acutely aware of Alex’s presence beside him. What were they supposed to talk about? John had banned all serious topics, since they seemed to make people either sad or angry. That left, what? Small talk? He didn’t think Alex was a small talk kind of guy.

“Is there something, ah, I mean are you and Eliza—“

“Are we dating? No. I love Eliza, but I’m not _in love_ with her anymore. She deserves a hell of a lot more than I can give her.”

“Anymore?”

“We dated during our freshmen year of college. Angelica introduced us. I’ll admit, I had a thing for Angelica, but when I met Eliza, I don’t know. It was love at first sight. Or so I thought. And that’s the story of how I met the Schuyler sisters.”

“That’s quite a tale. I’m not sure if I believe you. You never had 'a thing' for Peggy?”

“Oh, no, she—”Alex started to say, but apparently it wasn’t something he wanted to share because he cut himself off mid-sentence. “No, I love Peggy to death, but not like that. Do you know her well?”

“No, not really.” John shook his head. He’d talked to Peggy only a handful of times, usually while at Sky, and it was never more than small talk. He tipped back his beer and finished it off before ordering another. 

“What about Angelica? How did you really meet her?” Alex questioned, between sips of his own fruity drink. It was something bright blue this time and John sort of wanted to try it, but he didn’t ask.

“What do you mean?”

“You just walked into Sky one day and there she was?” Alex scoffed. Apparently he was personally offended by this piece of John’s life story. “That’s so…unimaginative.”

“Sorry?” John laughed, not sure what to make of the sincerity in Alex’s expression. He couldn’t be serious…? “Not all of us choose to make friends by chucking our most prized possessions at the backs of people’s heads.” 

Alex gaped at him for a moment before recovering. “On the contrary! I’m sure it happens all the time.”

“Yeah, and I’m sure it usually leads to fighting, not friendship. Last I checked, people don’t like to be hit with blunt objects.” John offered a smile, afraid that Alex might not construe his words as a joke. 

Alex’s expression turned sheepish. “About that…did I ever apologize?”

“This is the 6th time.”

Alex continued on like John hadn’t even spoken. “Because I would like to make it clear that I absolutely did not mean to hurt you, or more importantly, your hair. I’ll never forgive myself.”

“I hope you’re joking.”

“Mostly.” Alex grinned, that intense stare of his seeming to reach into John’s soul. He felt like Alex could read his every thought.

“Are you from this area originally?” John asked, perhaps a little abruptly, but he needed a break. Having Alex’s full attention was unnerving. 

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Sure it does. I’m from South Carolina,” John said, smirking as Alex’s immediate reaction gave away an entire series of thoughts without a word being spoken. “See? It matters.”

“No, all I’ve done is rework my image of you based on stereotypes and some other bullshit. It doesn’t mean I know anything _real_ about you,” Alex insisted, looking expectantly at John like he was waiting for more revealing information about John’s life.

“Fine! My dad is a senator.”

Alex seemed to be expecting this revelation, his expression remaining neutral this time. “I figured that out already.”

Of course he did. John snorted. “Just now?”

“Yes,” Alex nodded, “I never knew my father. And my mom is dead.”

“Mine too.” John let his eyes drop from Alex’s face, this conversation entering territory that he was still too sensitive to. He couldn’t handle looking straight into Alex’s calculating eyes as he discussed his dead mother, not when he knew for a fact that his poorly controlled emotions were being displayed clearly on his face. 

“I’m sorry, was it recently?” 

“Oh, no. It was my senior year of high school.”

“See, that’s…maybe that’s harder for you. I was only 12 when my mom died.”

“Alex, I hardly think losing a parent is easy, no matter when it happens.” John wondered exactly what Alex was thinking right then. His gaze was still focused on John, but there was a faraway quality to it, like he was caught upin his own mind. John couldn’t stand the thought of Alex feeling sad, so he made an effort to change the subject. “Is this really what we’re going to talk about?” 

“It’s probably my fault,” Alex said, his eyes darting away from John’s face like it was some kind of sordid confession. “Tell me about something else. Do you have any siblings?”

“Two sisters and a brother. That’s, uh, not actually much better.” John _really_ didn’t want to talk about Jamie. That was an even worse pain to bear than the death of his mother. 

“Jesus, I’m sorry. Apparently I shouldn’t be talking at all. Let’s just get drunk instead, okay?” He laughed, but John wasn’t sure if it was entirely heartfelt. And besides, he was enjoying their conversation, however serious it was. Getting drunk would only lessen the quality and he didn’t want to do that. 

John shook his head. “I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea.”

“Why not? I’ll back you up if you get into a fight,” Alex laughed wholeheartedly, apparently pleased with himself for making this particular joke. 

“No, I just meant that Laf and Herc are already, well, you can see for yourself, I’m sure.” He gestured across the room to where Lafayette and Hercules were dancing sloppily with Eliza and Angelica. Part of him was tempted to take a video for future evidence, but if he did that, there’d be payback and he didn’t really want to risk it.

“What, so you can’t have fun, too?”

“Someone’s got to get us all home tonight.”

Alex seemed to ponder this for a moment, before announcing dramatically, “You raise a fair point.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hamilton.”

Alex smiled, then ordered himself another drink, and they continued to talk for a long time, until John realized it was nearing 2:00am and they really ought to be going. 

“Alex, we’ve got to go, okay?” he interrupted Alex in the middle of his story about how he’d met Lafayette, who was at the time a friend of Jefferson’s. John wanted to hear the rest, such as under what circumstances Lafayette would choose to be friends with Jefferson, but it would have to wait until another time.

Alex broke off gracefully, then paused a moment, gathering himself.

“I’m so tired,” he whined, resting his head against John’s shoulder as soon as they were both on their feet. “Do we really have to walk home?”

“No, of course not." John very carefully avoided displaying an outward reaction to Alex's current position. Inside, his heart was pounding and he had the overwhelming urge to wrap Alex in a hug. "We’ll get a cab.”

“Oh, thank god.” Alex's relief was palpable.

“Did you eat dinner?” John asked, the thought suddenly popping into his head. He was pretty sure he already knew the answer, given that Alex hadn’t had enough to drink to explain his current behavior. Before Alex had a chance to respond, however, a drunk Lafayette came into view, towing an even more plastered Hercules behind him. 

“Where’s Angelica and Eliza?” Alex asked, looking around like he expected them both to pop up in front of him at will.

“They just left. Said to say good bye,” Hercules mumbled, swaying against Lafayette. John wished he could send them both home to their own apartment tonight, but he couldn’t in good conscience leave two seriously drunk friends alone to fend for themselves. Who knew what they might get up to?

“Alright, we’re getting a cab. Either of you need to throw up first?” John asked, matter of factly. He was not going to get puked on tonight.

“Nah,” Lafayette claimed, but John didn’t believe him. He had that look about him, like he’d maybe had one too many drinks, and he was waiting until he got home (aka to John’s apartment) to puke all over. 

Hercules didn’t even answer, probably because he was half asleep in Lafayette’s arms. 

John sighed, then lead the way out to the street, where the brisk air helped to make him more alert. He and Alex had been chatting lazily for the last two hours, both of them sleepy but still trying to initiate conversation. He was sad to put an end to it, but he and Alex had exchanged phone numbers and that made him feel better. 

When they finally reached the apartment complex, everyone piled out of the cab, leaving John to pay. He helped Hercules drag himself inside as Alex pulled along a very silly Lafayette, who was singing something loudly in French.

Once they hit the elevator, Lafayette’s song changed and Alex joined in. Apparently he spoke French. That was an interesting development, one that John was definitely going to ask about at a later point in time.

Meanwhile, Hercules was practically crushing John in his drunken, exhausted state. 

John shoved him forward once the elevator stopped, trapped between him and the wall. “Herc, you gotta walk, buddy.” 

“Right, Johnny. You got it,” he slurred, moving unsteadily down the hall towards John’s apartment. John kept a hand on his arm, hoping to keep him from falling. They didn’t need any broken bones tonight. 

Once they reached John’s apartment, Alex was kind enough to escort Lafayette inside and then settle him on the couch before excusing himself, rather abruptly. 

John hurried after him, catching him just before he reached the door. “Hey, you’re welcome to stay the night here if you want. We’ll probably go for breakfast in the morning.”

“No, it’s alright. I think I should just go. It’s not like it’s too far to walk.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Good night, John,” Alex said with a tired smile.

John smiled back reflexively, despite feeling a bit disappointed. 

“Night, Alex.” 

And then he was alone, his only company two drunken dumbasses who were whining about being hungry.


	5. Alexander the Great

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of events spanning the next two weeks of John and Alex's lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter is very special to me, so I hope you enjoy it! There's some drama to follow, but I'm trying to work up to it, so it might be the next chapter or it might be the one after that. (I'll probably update within a week or so.)
> 
> Note that there are 2 ways to distinguish between who is texting: Whoever's POV it is, the arrows point >> when they receive a text and << when they send a text. Like incoming and outgoing. Or you might notice that Alex never uses proper grammar (ain't nobody got time for that) and John does. As for other characters, it'll be clear, I hope.
> 
> Also the POV switches from John in the first section to Alex in the rest of the chapter. Don't ask why. It's just how this chapter wrote itself.
> 
> Happy reading! <3
> 
> & remember, comment to boost my confidence and make me smile!

**_[Alexander the Great]_ **

**_[515-989-0901]_ **

**> >** (4:35am) hey, john

**> >** (4:43am) are you awake

**< < **(4:44am) Not really.

 

**> >** (4:44am) okay

**> >** (4:45am) i just wanted to say that i was thinking today

**> >** (4:45am) did you tell angelica that you need a space for your event

**> >** (4:46am) because she does own a building with a stage and tbh she would let you use it for free

**> >** (4:48am) why haven’t you asked her

**> >** (4:53am) john srsly this is such an easy fix

**< <** (4:54am) I don’t want to take advantage.

 

**> >** (4:56am) it’s not taking advantage if she offers and she would offer

**> >** (4:56am) if you told her

**> >** (5:00am) or if i told her maybe on accident just now in a text message

 

**< <** (5:01am) Are you kidding me, Alex?

 

**> >** (5:13am) i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have done that

**> >** (5:15am) i don’t really think sometimes…ughhh that was dumb i’m sorry :(

 

**> > **(6:16am) john?

**> > **(6:27am) are you mad at me now? 

 

**< <** (6:30am) Well it’s already done. Just let me know what she says.

 

**> >** (6:35am) you didn’t answer the question

 

**< < **(7:35am) I’m not mad AT ALL

**< <** (7:36am) You just can’t text me before 7. I am NOT a morning person!

 

**_[Incoming call: Alexander the Great]_ **

 

John stared at his phone screen for a moment before bursting into laughter. Why the fuck was Alex’s name in his contacts like that? And why hadn’t he noticed until now? 

He hit accept, still chuckling even as he spoke, “Hello, Alexander.”

“Hey, John,” Alex all but shouted, his voice much too loud for so early in the morning. He’d probably been up all night. “Wait, why are you laughing? I haven’t even said anything yet.”

“Believe it or not, but not everything is about you.”

“Hey!” Alex whined pitifully and John honestly wasn’t sure if he was trying to be funny or not.

Just to be safe, he ignored the interruption. “But this time, it is. Your name is in my phone under Alexander the Great and I honestly didn’t notice until just now. Did you do that? Because I sure as hell didn’t.”

The laughter on the other end of the line was immediate and intense. 

“That was definitely me. I can’t think of a good one for you though, so you’re just Johnny Bravo right now. Anyways—” Alex paused, probably because John was laughing and he clearly had more important things he needed to say. 

Once John got a handle on himself, Alex tried again. “Anyways, I figured I would call to give you the good news!”

“You finally got Jefferson to confess who he’s been living with?” John guessed, not sure what else this conversation would be about.

“No. Well actually, I do know who it is, but that’s not why I called.”

“Who is it? Not that I particularly care who he’s dating or sleeping with or whatever, but if it’s not James Madison, then who could it be?”

“Maria Reynolds, most recently. Before that, there were a couple of other girls whose names I don’t know. He’s been making the rounds, apparently.”

“Uh, let’s just be clear here, because I’m a—” _Woah there, John_. Too soon to be outing himself to someone he sort of maybe had a crush on? Definitely. He fake coughed, but it was really more of a groan, and he hoped Alex wasn’t paying much attention because none of it was subtle. “You mean to tell me that Thomas Jefferson has been sleeping around? With random women?”

“Yes, that’s precisely what I’m saying,” Alex said, his voice almost drowned out by the sound of something crashing to the floor. He continued like nothing had happened, “Angelica thinks it’s because he’s in love with James and he’s going through a sexuality crisis. But what were you just about to say?”

“Ah, nothing.” Grimacing, John tried to think of a way to divert the conversation. He wasn’t ashamed of his sexuality in the slightest, but he wasn’t really comfortable sharing it with people he had just met. Even if they were hilarious, passionate about the same things as John, and ridiculously adorable. 

To be honest, that actually made the situation so much worse, because even if Alex was interested in him, that didn’t mean he was going to be accepting of his asexuality. 

“You can tell me pretty much anything, John. Maybe not ‘hey, Alex, I murdered someone last night’ because it might be a little too soon in our friendship for me to vouch for you. But then again, if you had a good reason, I could probably be swayed to your side.”

John sighed, relief flooding his system. He wondered if Alex had intentionally given him the out or if it was just a simple joke. “That’s exactly what I was going to say.”

“Well, fuck.” Alex gasped so dramatically that it actually startled John and he dropped his phone. He retrieved it from among his blankets in time to hear Alex ask, “Who was it?”

“No one you know.”

“John, you’re actually starting to scare me. Please tell me this is a joke,” Alex said, and not for the first time, John wondered why this man wasn’t into theater. He could be a seriously talented actor if he wanted to be. 

“Of course it is.”

Alex didn’t say anything for a long time. John forced himself out of bed, sitting up and throwing his blankets to the side. This conversation was not going in the direction John had expected. Not that he’d really had any expectations. 

Finally, Alex spoke, his voice much quieter than it had been for the duration of the call. “And you’re definitely not going to tell me what you almost said?”

“Alex,” John started, but caught himself before he said anything he didn’t want to say. It didn’t feel right, not over the phone. He really liked Alex and he wanted the conversation to go well. It _had_ to go well. “I’m sorry.”

“No, _I’m_ sorry. It’s alright. I shouldn’t be so nosy.”

With a sigh, John said, “It’s not that, I just would rather not have this conversation over the phone.”

“What, so you want to walk over to Sky with me?” The energy was back in Alex’s voice immediately. John didn’t understand how someone who almost never slept could be so awake all the time. “I was planning on spending the day there. I’ve got a lot of work to get through, but it would be nice to have company for once.”

John ran a hand through his hair and wondered if he could get away with not showering. Probably not. 

“Sure, I just need like a half hour before I’m ready to go.”

There was a momentary pause and then Alex was saying, “Alright, I’ll come over and wait for you!”

John’s brain was still moving too slow to process this and all he could manage was a very eloquent, “Uhhh—”

“Oh, sorry, is that too much too soon? I get overexcited. I’ll tone it down, I promise. Just pretend I never said that,” Alex backtracked hurriedly, his words coming out a mile a minute. 

“No, no, it’s fine. I just didn’t expect—But sure, you can come over now. I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

“Cool! Bye!” Alex chirped, then hung up before John’s mind had a chance to formulate a response of some kind. 

John stared at the phone in his hand for a moment before walking over to unlock his door.

What was he getting himself into? 

 

———————

 

“John? Hey, John, are you even listening to—are you _sleeping_?”

Alex stared at his new friend, for the first time realizing that maybe it was kind of late. He glanced around. When had they moved into the break room? That meant it was at least 1:00 am, since Eliza always let him stay after she locked up for the night, but only if he promised not to go out into the shop. 

He watched John for a moment, his arms pillowed under his head. The stack of books underneath his face couldn’t be too comfortable to sleep on. Alex had done that enough times to know it was always painful in the morning. 

With a glance down at his own work area, the cursor blinking impatiently at him on his laptop screen, he considered letting John sleep right there on the table for the remainder of the night. After all, it was still early and he had a lot of work left to do.

After a moment of staring blankly at the screen, he sighed. No, he couldn’t make John sleep on a fucking pile of hardcover books all night. That would be incredibly uncomfortable, and Alex wasn’t heartless enough to inflict that kind of pain on his friends. 

“John?” he tried, softly at first, not wanting to startle him awake. When that didn’t work after three or four tries, he gave up on being polite about it. “JOHN!” 

Surprisingly, John woke slowly at Alex’s shout. He picked up his head, his eyes half-shut, before he seemed to register where he was and who he was with. Between the slightly mussed hair and the tired half-smile, Alex was a goner. 

“Oh, hey,” John mumbled from beneath his hands as he wiped at his face. “Did I fall asleep?”

Alex did nothing to hide the obvious enchantment he felt. “Yes, you absolutely did. It’s not even 2:00 am yet!”

John shrugged, then picked up his phone and Alex caught sight of a clock for the first time all night. 

“Oh. So maybe its a little later than I thought,” he confessed, hoping John hadn’t planned to be home at a certain time. He’d never specifically said so, but Alex figured he wasn’t quite as careless about sleep as Alex himself was. 

“You call 4:00 am late? It’s _early_ , Alex! Most people are waking up right now, not just going to sleep.”

“You have a point. I probably shouldn’t brag, but obviously I’m not ‘most people’,” Alex grumbled, a little offended at the suggestion that he was anything like the majority of the population of the planet. He was much smarter and much more driven. Just because no one understood, didn’t mean there was anything wrong with him. 

“No, you’re not.” John smiled and Alex realized he needed to stop jumping to conclusions when it came to John. He was clearly more unpredictable than Alex gave him credit for.

“It’s good that you can recognize my greatness.”

John laughed and laughed and Alex felt himself fall apart a little bit more as each second ticked by. The sight of John’s broad smile aimed in his direction was enough to melt Alex’s insides. He smiled back.

What had it been like before this man came into his life?

 

———————

 

For the third time in the last minute, Alex’s eyes flicked over to the clock on the stove. 

6:51

He’d been up since 6:00 and he’d gotten a lot of work done in the last hour, which had definitely made up for the two hours he’d spent sleeping because of John’s insistence that he ‘not overwork’ himself. 

He downed the rest of his second cup of coffee and let his eyes flick over to the clock again. Waiting was painful.

6:54

How could John still be sleeping? Would it really hurt if he texted him a few minutes early? Alex sighed, shifting back to his computer and attempting to begin revising a paper he had written the night before, but he couldn’t focus. Of their own volition, his eyes drifted to the little clock in the corner of his screen.

6:59

He picked up his phone and typed out the text, but waited until the numbers on the screen turned over to 7:00 before he hit send. 

 

**_[Johnny Bravo]_ **

**_[515-760-9202]_ **

**< <** (7:00am) SKY PLEASE?????

**> > **(7:01am) Did you really just wait until exactly 7 to text me?

**< <** (7:03am) ofc, you said not to text you before 7

**< <** (7:03am) so i didn’t

**> >** (7:10am) Alex, we got home at 4:45am last night, do you really think I want to be awake right now?

 

Alex stared at his phone in his hand, reading and rereading that text until he had no idea what John was trying to say. It was so hard to read John through text messages. The way he phrased things always made him sound so serious and even though Alex thought he might be misinterpreting the tone, it was difficult to put the idea to bed. 

Instead, his mind flooded with questions. Was John upset with Alex for waking him up? Was it still too early to text him? He’d waited until 7:00, like John said. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be a strict “7 o’clock on the dot”. Or was it that John specifically did not want Alex texting him? That one was a little harder to deal with, so Alex chose to ignore it. 

 

**> >** (7:20am) I’m not mad at you

**> >** (7:21am) We can go to Sky. I just need a few minutes to get ready.

**< <** (7:22am) ok i’ll be there at 730

 

More waiting. 

_Great._

Feeling restless, Alex began gathering his books and journals into his bag, the collection almost too large to fit inside. Despite its weight, he hefted it off the table and carried it to the door, where he stood fidgeting, telling himself that it absolutely was not okay for him to show up at John’s door early.

The day before, John had been in the shower when Alex arrived. Which was fine, but Alex felt like maybe he had pushed a little too far and made John feel pressured into letting Alex come over before he was ready to go. 

John never said anything about it, though, so Alex figured he’d just try to dial it back a bit, just in case. It wasn’t like John was particularly reserved or unforthcoming. From the little Alex knew, it seemed like he would speak up if something was bothering him. 

When it was finally 7:30, he let himself leave his apartment and if he walked a little on the fast side on the way over to John’s, no one had to know but him. 

 

——————————

 

“You never did tell me why you called yesterday morning.”

Alex blinked a few times, his focus taking a minute to materialize. He’d been in the middle of writing his latest journal article and he’d completely forgotten John was seated across from him. With a quick glance around the room, he realized it must be early still because there was a long line and there was light coming in through the blinds. 

“I wanted to tell you that Angelica said you guys could use Sky for your event. If you’re still planning to have it.”

John stared at him for a moment, apparently struggling to process all of this information. Alex wondered if maybe he was about to get yelled at, since he’d gone around John to ask Angelica and maybe that wasn’t the smartest idea he'd ever had.

“That’s….amazing, actually. Honestly, Sky will be perfect for what we have planned so far. This is so fucking awesome! Do you mind if I just text Laf and Herc really quick?”

Alex bit back a grin, an involuntary response to John’s extremely high levels of charm and adorableness. He was so done for. 

“Go ahead.”

Alex watched him type out the text, his fingers flying across the screen of his phone. The smile on his face never faded, not even when he looked back up at Alex, absolutely beaming. 

“This is so great. I don’t know why I didn’t think to ask Angelica. Well, I thought about it, but it just didn’t seem right to ask her for a favor at the last minute. It feels like I’m taking advantage of her kindness.”

Alex shook his head. “No, don’t worry about it. Ang isn’t the type to agree to something unless she actually wants to, and she was really excited when I asked. She even said that she was wondering when someone was going to bring this up to her, but she didn’t feel right offering because she didn’t want you to feel pressured to say yes. You know, in case this wasn’t the type of place you were looking for.”

“This is exactly what we were looking for,” John said, fiddling with his phone again. When he finally set his phone down, he looked directly at Alex. “Thank you for your help.”

Alex felt himself flush, the moment feeling strangely intimate for how little they actually knew each other. “It’s the least I could do. Plus, I’m a bit intrusive, if you hadn’t noticed, so I really couldn’t help myself.”

John chuckled, but his expression soon grew serious, if not slightly nervous. “About that. Could we maybe have that talk I mentioned yesterday?”

“Of course.” Alex had only a vague notion of what this could be about, but he didn’t let himself think on it. There was no need to get ahead of himself, not when John was ready to talk about it.

“So it’s not a big deal, but I’m asexual.”

Alex nodded, surprised that this didn’t actually surprise him. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling, honestly. Honored that John felt he could share something so important with him. Maybe uncertain, because while he knew what asexuality was, knew that it meant John didn’t experience sexual attraction, he wasn’t an expert on the topic. Beyond that, he wasn’t sure what would constitute an appropriate question, and barring all forms of inquiry, he really didn’t know what to say. 

“You’re supposed to say something,” John laughed, that apprehensive edge still clinging to his every word. “Something like “okay, that’s cool” or “wow, that's fucked up, John”. Just say _something._ ”

Alex frowned. He sincerely hoped that second response wasn’t anything John had actually heard. “Well, I want to ask a question, but it might be…invasive…and I’m not sure if that’s okay.”

“Oh.” John looked uneasy, like he wasn’t sure what Alex meant. 

Alex sighed. This wasn’t working. Why couldn’t he say anything right? “Maybe I should have gone with ‘okay, cool’?” 

“Maybe.” John shifted in his seat, pushing ever so slightly away from the table. Away from Alex. 

Terrified that John would excuse himself before Alex had a chance to articulate his thoughts in a manner that actually made sense, he rushed to say, “I can see I’m making this even worse every time I open my mouth. Let’s start over. So you just said “I’m asexual” and now I’m going to respond like I should have, okay?”

John nodded slowly, but didn’t look convinced in the slightest. “Okay.”

“Thank you for telling me. I know it’s not easy to share such personal information, especially when you don't know someone very well. Was there anything else you wanted to say about it?”

By the end, John was clearly relieved. He had leaned forward in his chair, his elbows resting on the tabletop as he held Alex’s gaze with his own.

“Just that, for me, I prefer not to talk about anything related to sex. Angelica goes a little overboard trying to shield me from it, which I’m sure now makes sense to you, but like I said, she's a little over the top. Other than that, a lot of things tend to go right over my head, so don’t laugh at me if I don’t realize something someone has said is about sex.”

“So, when you asked about Jefferson—” Alex cut himself off. This might be a little more difficult than he had anticipated. His brain to mouth filter was rather lax in its duties. 

John offered a small smile, like he was acknowledging the catch Alex had just made. “Exactly.”

“Let me know if I ever say or do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Not that it’s your responsibility, but just in case I’m stupid. I would hate to overlook something and have it hurt you.” He envisioned himself making a few mistakes early on, but this was important and he was going to get it right, god dammit. 

John nodded, mouth opening like he was on the verge of speaking, but the barista on staff that day came over to their table a second later, offering them refills on their drinks and the moment was lost. 


	6. Take a Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex finally takes a break, but not willingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a little time jump here of like 3 weeks (because I can).
> 
> So....I had this chapter all written out and then I was like, wait! I absolutely should have written that Open Mic Night scene first, so what we are gonna do is pretend that they're planning the event for a later date, and then you'll get that lovely chapter towards the end of this whole story, okay? If you have any objections, blame the story, because this chapter wrote itself and I couldn't stop it. (Literally, I wrote this chapter so quickly that I'm still astonished by its existence)
> 
> Also, I think this is my favorite chapter so far...there are some others coming up that might win me over, but for now. 
> 
> Also also, we're looking at maybe 10 chapters total on this. Maybe.
> 
> As always, please comment if you have a chance! It makes my day! <3

**_[Alexander the Great]_ **

**_[515-989-0901]_ **

**< <** (10:00am) Hey, why didn’t you wake me up today?

**< <** (10:46am) There’s no way in hell you’re still asleep, Alexander.

**< <** (11:19am) I’m getting a little worried. 

**< <** (12:05pm) Alex, just send me a single character if you’re alive. 

 

**_[Eliza]_ **

**_[515-760-3460]_ **

**> >** (11:59am) _Have you heard anything from Alex???????_

**< <** (12:00pm) Nothing all day. He hasn’t answered my texts.

**> >** (12:01pm) _He isn’t at Sky yet, so I got worried. He’s usually here by now._

**> >** (12:02pm) _Maybe he finally crashed from exhaustion. It happens from time to time. If so, we won’t hear from him for a couple days._

**< < **(12:05pm) That sounds bad.

**> >** (12:10pm) _He’ll be fine. He always is. But let me know if you hear from him. I get worried too ;)_

 

**_[Angelica]_ **

**_[515-760-8991]_ **

**< <** (1:12pm) Eliza told me no one has heard from Alex. She also told me not to worry about it.

**> > **(1:15pm)  Yeah don’t, he’s sleeping off 3 months of exhaustion. He’s an idiot, but he’ll be fine by Friday.

**< < **(1:16pm) Okay, thanks.

**> > **(1:30pm)  Seriously, don’t waste time worrying about it. It’s just another Alex thing!

<< (1:36pm) Alright, I’ll try. 

 

It was 2:00 pm and John was going back through his texting threads, nerves eating away at his insides. Something was wrong. Alex had texted him religiously every single morning since they’d first gone to Sky three weeks ago. And here he was, getting no texts back from Alex for over 4 hours. 

Eliza had said not to worry too much, but John couldn’t help himself, and he wondered if there was anything he could do that wouldn’t come off as pushy or weird. He understood that they were used to this, having been friends of Alex’s for years, but he wasn’t used to it.  And, honestly, he was concerned that anyone could ever get used to something as horrifying as a person working so hard, for so long, that they needed 3 days straight of sleep to recuperate. That just wasn’t something John was able to ignore or accept as an “Alex thing”.

An “Alex thing” was eating three meals in one sitting because he’d forgotten to eat all day. An “Alex thing” was getting a phone call at 4:30 am about Ted Cruz’s latest financial plan. An “Alex thing” was receiving a text with a link to Alex’s latest article at EXACTLY 7:00 in the morning.

No where in there was there anything about working himself to death. 

John waited. And waited. And waited. Until finally it was 2:30 am and he was too tired to stay awake, staring at his phone in his hand, hoping that Alex would finally answer him.

 

—————

 

It was 8:30 when he woke up. No text from Alex. 

 

**_[Alexander the Great]_ **

**_[515-989-0901]_ **

**< <** (8:31am) What did I do to earn the privilege of sleeping in TWO days in a row?

**< <** (8:32am) Alex, please just answer me.

 

**_[Laf]_ **

**_[515-451-0288]_ **

**< <** (8:35am) Hey, so I need advice…

**< < **(8:36am) You’ve known Alex longer than I have. What am I supposed to do while he’s having one of his crashes? The girls assure me it’s nothing to worry about but

**< <** (8:36am) I worry.

 

**_[Incoming call: Laf]_ **

 

“Hello?” John answered, with a minimal amount of emotion in his voice. He was far too exhausted from worrying. 

“John, you should not listen to Angelica and Eliza in this. I have tried for many months to convince Angelica that our Alexander needs more support in helping him to, ah, see that his habits are bad for his health.”

“So, you’re saying I should do something other than sit in my apartment worrying myself sick?”

“Oui.” Lafayette laughed lightly, the sound bringing a sense of calmness over John. There was something extraordinary about Lafayette, and if it wouldn’t make him crazy to believe it, John would say the man had some kind of magical abilities. 

“What exactly?”

“Bring him food to his room. He may not answer the door, but Thomas could be home.” 

John sighed. That would never work. Not when Jefferson was off sleeping with Maria Reynolds or whoever else he could find that wasn’t James Madison. “From what Alex has said, Jefferson hasn’t been around much lately.”

“Then I will give you my key to their apartment.”

John jumped to his feet, almost tripping over the leg of his coffee table in the process. “What? You have a key? Laf, you should have lead with that piece of information!”

“It is only because I lived there for a few weeks when I first arrived in the country. Alexander would not like me to give it to you for this purpose. He is intensely private during this time.” 

Now that he was standing, John was pacing and he couldn’t stop. His entire body was coiled tight with the tension of the last 24 hours and he just needed to see Alex to make sure he was okay. 

“I assume he also doesn’t eat or hydrate or do anything else remotely healthy. How can everyone just ignore that?”

“We have all tried to help him. Angelica tells me he would not speak to her for weeks after she made Thomas let her into the apartment. I suspect Eliza has suffered similar treatment. He does not talk to me as much since I intervened months ago. Our Alexander is…difficult. We can only hope that he will respond to you. I do think he will.”

John had listened to Lafayette’s words with an increasingly large ball of dread growing in his stomach. The last thing he wanted was for Alex to cut him out of his life over this. But at the same time, he couldn’t stand the idea of not at least checking up on him. 

Incredulous, John blurted, “What makes you think I have a chance?”

“You, mon ami, are capable of more than you know. Our Alexander sees this in you and he will listen to you because he admires you.”

John sighed, not feeling nearly as optimistic as Lafayette. “All I can do is try, Laf. I’ll come grab the key in a few minutes. I need to get some food together first.”

 

—————

 

Standing outside of Alex’s door, key in one hand, plastic bag full of food in the other, John tried very hard to stay calm. He’d felt the panic welling in his chest since the night before, but somehow, through some miracle, he’d been able to keep the actual attack at bay. 

Now, with his hand poised to knock on the door, he had to count in his head to keep his breathing steady. 

“Alex?” he tried, knocking as loudly as he could. He waited, tried again two, three more times, receiving no response each time. Not even a slight shuffle to indicate that someone was alive beyond the door.

“You aren’t going to like this, but I have a key and I’m going to come inside regardless of whether or not you answer the door,” he called, already turning the key in the lock, hoping with everything in his body that Alex was just passed out in his bedroom and unable to hear the knocking. 

He opened the door. 

Alex was no where in sight. 

John sucked in a deep breath, forced himself to hold it for a count of 5, and then exhaled in a gust. There was absolutely no reason to panic. He set everything down on the kitchen counter as quietly as he could before making his way towards the back of the apartment, where he guessed Alex’s room was. He’d never actually been beyond the threshold. 

Alex’s door was ajar, enough that John caught sight of his still form curled up on his bed. The relief that flooded through John’s mind sent a wave of weakness through his entire body and he had to brace himself on the doorframe to keep from collapsing where he stood. 

He had quite a few things he wanted to say to Alex once they were through with this. 

For now, he crept into the room and retrieved Alex’s blanket from the floor. Slowly, and as gently as he possibly could, he drew the blanket over Alex’s body. After a moment of staring, just letting himself see that Alex was indeed still alive, John retreated to the doorway, where he switched off the lights and pulled the door most of the way closed. 

Back in the kitchen, John set to making lunch. Or dinner. Whichever it ended up being when Alex woke up. He assumed that would be some time within the next 8 hours, but it was hard to know for sure. Either way, he’d brought his laptop and some work with him, so he had something other than staring at the slow rise and fall of Alex’s chest to keep himself occupied. 

He’d brought with him a box of pasta and the fixings for a sauce (obviously from a jar, as John didn’t know the slightest thing about real cooking). Once he had everything cooking, he sat down at a stool by the counter to start some work.

 

**_[Laf]_ **

**_[515-451-0288]_ **

**< <** (9:14am) He’s sleeping.

**> > **(9:15am)  Tell him I say hello when he finally returns to us.

 

**_[Eliza]_ **

**_[515-760-3460]_ **

**< <** (9:14am) He's sleeping. 

**> >** (9:38am) _How do you know that? How did you get him to let you in?_

**< <** (9:40am) Laf's key. He doesn't know I'm here yet.

**> >** (9:41am) _In that case, good luck when he wakes up. That man is a force of nature and you really don't want to get in his way._

<< (9:46am) So I've been told. Thanks, though. :)

>> (9:47am) _You're a sweetheart! Good luck with him :)_

 

**_[Angelica]_ **

**_[515-760-8991]_ **

**< <** (9:14am) He's sleeping.

**> >** (9:16am) If he's rude to you when he wakes up, I want to hear about it.

**> >** (9:17am) Don't let him get to you. He's not himself right now.

**< <** (9:20am) Okay, thanks Ang. I'll try.

 

—————————

 

It was dark by the time John heard a sound from the rear of the apartment. He startled, his focus shifting abruptly from his computer where he’d been writing a paper to the hallway that lead to Alex’s room. Frozen with uncertainty, he waited, hoping that Alex would make his way into the living room on his own. 

It seemed like an eternity, in which John began to wonder if he’d just psyched himself out and Alex wasn’t awake yet after all. Just as soon as he’d had that thought, he heard movement coming down the hall. He twisted to face the hallway and waited, ready for whatever anger and yelling Alex could get up to. 

Instead, when Alex came into the kitchen, his eyes locked on John and he didn’t speak. For a long time. Maybe five minutes went by, Alex simply staring at John like he wasn’t sure if he was real or not.

“Hey, Alex,” John tried, after the silence became too much to bear. He stood, approaching Alex as if approaching a wild animal. He didn’t know what to expect, but so far, all of this quiet was unnerving him. “Are you alright?”

“John?” Alex whispered, his voice hesitant, like he might splinter into pieces if he spoke too loudly. John didn’t think before he wrapped his arms around Alex, needing to feel that he was alive and breathing for himself.

Slowly, Alex drew his arms around John and leaned against him, burying his face in John’s shoulder. Neither of them moved or spoke for a long while. John worried that if he said anything, Alex would suddenly realize he didn’t want him there and he wouldn’t be able to help.

“I’m tired. I’m so tired, John,” Alex murmured, like he had finally realized that John was real. The thought was terrifying, but given the amount of sleep Alex went without, it wasn’t really unexpected that he lost touch with reality at times. 

“I know, I know. But it’ll be okay,” John whispered, briefly tightening his arms around Alex. “You just need to get a little more sleep and you’ll feel better.”

“I needed a break. I couldn’t—I couldn’t do it anymore. I’ve been shaking for weeks. I should have known—I should have—” Alex shuddered in John’s arms, and in the next moment, it was obvious that he was crying.

John lead him to the couch, where he sat down and pulled a sobbing Alex back into his arms. 

“You don’t need to be here.”

“Maybe so, but I want to be here.”

It was a long time before Alex calmed down, and when the tears finally dried up, he was half-asleep against John’s chest. He jerked away several minutes later, his wide-eyed expression scaring John. Had he done something wrong?

“Is this okay?” Alex asked, the urgency in his voice unexpected. 

Frowning, John asked, “Alex, what are you talking about?”

“I just meant—well, we never talked about boundaries. I’m sorry, John, I didn’t think—I haven’t been thinking.” While he spoke, Alex tried to wriggle out of John’s grasp, but John grabbed his hands to stop him.

“It’s alright. This is fine. It’s more than fine, Alex. Thank you for asking. Just don’t try to kiss me just yet, okay?” 

Alex nodded fervently, then he eased himself back into John’s arms and promptly fell asleep. 

 

——————————

 

When John woke up, he found himself pinned beneath Alex’s full weight. It wouldn’t have been an issue if he didn’t have to pee. 

“Alex, baby, I need you to get off of me.”

He stirred and John used the moment to slide out from under him, only to have Alex latch onto his arm like it was a lifeline.

“Where are you going?”

“The bathroom. Alex, I’ll be right back.”

“Oh, okay. Sorry.”

John pulled his arm free and Alex slumped backwards onto the couch. 

When he came back, he found Alex in the exact same spot, only he looked slightly more aware of his surroundings. John wondered just how long these crashes usually lasted. For this being the third day, Alex didn’t seem much better off than he had the night before. As if the thought that Alex had gone through this every 2 or 3 months for the last few years wasn't horrifying enough, John's brain supplied him with images of what it might be like to experience this all alone. He didn't want to think about Alex curled up on his bed, crying, struggling to understand what was real and what was not. 

In that moment, John decided that this wasn't going to happen again.

“Come on, you should shower, and then we’ll eat something. Does that sound good?”

For a second, Alex looked like he might protest, but in the end, he nodded and rose to his feet unsteadily. John walked him back to his bedroom with a hand on his lower back, not realizing the situation he was putting himself in until they’d reach Alex’s room. 

He rummaged through Alex’s drawers, pulling out a pair of sweatpants, boxers, and a t-shirt, before turning to face Alex. He was already half way to tearing his shirt off and John panicked a little, memories of his last boyfriend suddenly coming to mind. There was not a lot of respect for John’s sexuality in that relationship, to say the least.

After setting the pile of clothes on Alex’s bed, John made his way for the door. It was probably best to avoid this situation for the time being. 

“Where are you going?” Alex asked, confusion lacing his tone.

“Ah, this is one of those boundaries you asked about, okay? For now.”

“Oh, alright.” Immediately, Alex had his shirt back on. He smiled, a tired smile, but a smile nonetheless. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’ll just be in the kitchen if you need anything.”

Alex nodded, his eyes on John even as he pulled the door shut on his way out.

John busied himself with reheating the meal he’d prepared the night before. Maybe 10:00 am was a little early for pasta, but it didn’t matter as long as Alex ate something. 

By the time he had everything heated and served, Alex was wandering into the kitchen with a towel wrapped around his hair. John tried to hide his sudden grin behind his hand, but it was hard when he had a serving spoon in one hand and glass of juice in the other. 

“Is something funny?” Alex asked, the perplexed look in his eyes just adding to John’s enjoyment of the moment. 

“No, you’re just very cute, that’s all,” John explained as he sat down at the counter. He gestured to the seat next to himself, where Alex’s food was waiting. 

“Thanks,” Alex said, a smile blossoming on his face as he sat down beside John so close that their shoulders were touching. He seemed much more awake and alert now that he had taken a shower. The food could only help him further. “For everything, I mean. You really didn’t have to do any of this.”

“I absolutely did. But you’re welcome. Next time, well, let’s not let this happen again, okay? We’ll work on making sure you get enough sleep so that this doesn’t catch you again.”

Alex didn’t protest. Instead, he smiled and shoveled a forkful of pasta into his mouth.

That was certainly a good place to start. 


	7. Thomas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson surprises Alex. Meanwhile, John is no where to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, let me know what you think of this one. I can't believe this is where this story wants to go. I didn't even see this coming. This story has a mind of its own!!!
> 
> I'll probably have the next chapter up fairly soon, since I actually wrote most of it before I started this one. It's John's POV of this same day. 
> 
> You may have noticed that I've marked this as having 10 chapters. I'm still on track for that, but I'll let you know if it changes.
> 
> As always, PLEASE comment if you have anything to say! <3

“Hamilton!”

Alex stirred, blinking a few times as his mind readjusted to the world around him. A quick glance at the clock on his computer screen told him he’d been writing for a good 4 hours. He really needed to text John before he either started worrying excessively or assumed Alex had forgotten about their breakfast plans. They had a lot to talk about, given that Alex had spent half the weekend crying all over John, and the other half stubbornly ignoring the fact that they really, _really_ needed to talk.

“Alexander, I need to speak to you.”

At Alex’s sudden flinch—who the fuck was in his room?—the swivel chair he had been precariously perched upon went flying out from under him and he ended up on his back staring up at—oh, well wasn’t that interesting?

“Uh, Jefferson? What the hell are you doing here?”

His irritation was sudden and intense. Leave it to Jefferson to show up out of the blue after two months of sneaking in and out like a wraith, to go off and do whoever it was that could actually stand to be in a room with him for more than 2 minutes. 

“I live here, last I knew. I think that entitles me to come and go as I please. Spare me the griping, I don’t care,” Jefferson grumbled, his expression darker than usual. “Get up. This is ridiculous.”

Looking closely at Jefferson for the first time since he’d walked into Alex’s room, Alex noticed the bags under his eyes and the less than pristine condition of his clothing. His hair was pulled back in an uncharacteristic knot behind his head and if the frizziness was any indication, he hadn’t spent much time in front of a mirror in a while. 

That was more than a little unsettling in itself. 

“Can I…help you with something?” Alex asked, rolling to his feet and stretching his arms above his head. He probably shouldn’t have sat at the computer for so long in one session. John was going to be mad when he found out that he wasn’t using that new alarm app they’d talked about.

Well, no, he’d _tried_ it, but it had gone off after only an hour and, as a consequence, interrupted him in the middle of the most important thought of his entire essay and it had taken him another two hours just to work back around to something that was only half as good and now here he was, staring in confusion at a very distressed Jefferson.

Jefferson cleared his throat, his eyes downcast. “As a matter of fact, you can. Nothing that is said in this room leaves this room, do you understand?”

“What?” Alex laughed, even though nothing about this was amusing. What did Jefferson think? He and Alex weren’t even remotely close to being friends. He couldn’t just show up out of nowhere and start making outrageous demands like this. “I really don’t appreciate being ordered around, especially not by you, so you’d better explain if you expect me to even _consider_ complying.”

“It’s a simple request,” Jefferson scoffed, but he still looked so rattled that Alex was beginning to wonder if maybe he should stop being combative. Just until he figured out what was going on. “What I am about to discuss with you is a private matter. Before I tell you anything, I need to know that this information won’t find its way to anyone…indiscreet. Do you understand?”

“You mean like Angelica Schuyler?” Alex asked, his curiosity piquing. 

“Exactly.”

“Well, I suppose I don’t have to share whatever this is with her.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Sure. Now talk before I change my mind.”

“I’m sure you’ve wondered why I haven’t been home lately, not that it particularly bothers you, I’m sure, but you’ve noticed.”

Alex nodded, keeping his mouth firmly shut in an effort to allow Jefferson to speak his piece. Whatever this was, it had to be important. Alex would have to be incredibly dense not to see the swallowed pride required for a conversation of this nature. Coming from Jefferson, it was almost too much to believe.

“I don’t know how to say this. I can barely admit it to myself. I’ve tried so hard to deny it, to change how I feel, but it’s impossible. I know I have not been the most, ah, accepting person in your life, but I would like to apologize. I’m—ugh, goddammit!” Jefferson snatched up the nearest non-breakable object, which happened to be Alex’s pillow, and whipped it across the room. It hit the wall with a soft “whoosh” and slid to the ground. 

“This really shouldn’t be so difficult. I’ve worked myself up to this for weeks now and my God, the words just won’t come out of my mouth. Can you believe that?” Jefferson tried to laugh, but he looked miserable and was so clearly frustrated with himself that Alex actually felt…bad for him. 

Great. Now who was he supposed to focus all of his rants on? Aaron Burr? That guy was as bland as white bread. He had the scruples of a loaf of bread, too. _Ugh_.

The longer Jefferson spoke, the more obvious it became to Alex that Angelica had been 100% right. Sure, he had suspected it himself, but Angelica had spotted it a mile away. She would love to hear all about how right she was, but Alex had no right to breach Jefferson’s trust in that manner. 

“Thomas, when you’re ready, you’ll be able to say whatever it is that you need to say. I’m not going to share this with anyone. You have my word.”

This was a peace offering, but also a cry for help, and the idea of betraying Jefferson’s confidence just did not sit right with Alex. He wouldn’t tell anyone, not unless Jefferson gave him express permission to do so. 

“And I am truly grateful for that. I know this isn’t—we’re not—perhaps we can discuss the terms of our newfound _friendship_ later on,” Jefferson met Alex’s eyes for the first time since he’d arrived, the genuine display of emotion surprising. 

Alex watched the other man’s gaze turn steely before he began to speak again. “This started with James Madison. It’s still about him, I guess, but it’s also about me. I thought he and I were simply close friends, but that doesn’t explain the depth of my feelings towards him. I love him. But it’s more than that. I’m _in love_ with him. I don’t know what to do.”

Hearing the words spoken aloud by Jefferson himself upset everything Alex had ever known about the man. He stared for a moment, attempting to gather his scattered thoughts before he spoke. After all, the last time someone tried to come out to him, he’d completely blundered through the conversation. Something told him that Jefferson would be far less able to deal with that than John had been. 

_Shit._ He really needed to text John. 

“It’s up to you, but if you’re in the middle of dealing with what I can only describe as a sexuality crisis, I recommend figuring that out first.”

“I tried dating women. I’ve been trying for the last few weeks. Maria Reynolds kicked me out her apartment because I apparently “don’t look at her” the way I look at James.”

“Alright, so are you…cool with that? Does it bother you that you’re in love with a man?”

“Hamilton—Alexander, I don’t think I want to discuss that with you,” Jefferson snapped, glaring briefly, before he deflated completely and dropped his gaze. 

Alex frowned. All of this behavior was so unlike Jefferson that he wondered if it was even the same man standing before him.

“Then how do you expect me to help you? If you don’t talk to me, I can’t do anything for you.”

“Right. Of course,” Jefferson sighed heavily, then flopped down on Alex’s bed without a word. “It doesn’t bother me that it’s James. The idea that I’m _gay_ bothers me. It shouldn’t. I am quickly realizing that I’ve been…short-sighted in my understanding of a lot of things, but to redefine who I am in such a way is, quite frankly, terrifying.”

Alex nodded, grateful that he had come out years ago. Life was easier now that he felt secure about his own identity. “It’s completely normal to feel that way. Have you talked to James about any of this?”

“No! Don’t mention this to him. Please.” Alex flinched at the sudden intensity of Jefferson’s voice. He apparently needed to be more careful about what he said. This was clearly a sensitive topic for Jefferson. 

“I won’t say anything to him. I think, if you feel so strongly about him, that it might be a good idea to speak to him about it. I’ve seen you guys together. I don’t know for sure, because he’s never said anything to me, but I would bet a good sum of money that he feels the same way.”

“How can you know that?”

“It’s just an observation. For one, he expounds upon your greatness at every opportunity, and it isn’t just scholastic. And Angelica sees it, too. She’s scarily perceptive, so I would wager that she’s right.”

Jefferson’s tone took on a hostile edge. “Do you mean you’ve talked about this with her before?”

Alex sat down on the bed beside him, careful to keep his distance. “Only in passing. She asked where you’ve been and she’s been scheming up likely scenarios ever since.”

“Oh.”

“So?” Alex prompted after some time had passed. Jefferson was on his back across Alex’s bed, his eyes glued firmly to the ceiling. 

“I think I’ll talk to him. If I invite him over, will you be here?”

“Yes, unless you want me to leave, in which case, I’ll leave,” Alex said, speaking the words before he even considered Jefferson’s question. His own response surprised him. Jefferson had so long been his enemy that it was hard to believe they may have found a truce, however unstable it might be. 

“You can stay. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I would feel better if you were here.”

Alex laughed and laid back on the bed beside Jefferson. Is this what it was like to have a roommate that you actually got along with? Gods, no one was going to believe it when he told them that he and Jefferson were actually on speaking terms now.

His eyes focused on the clock on his bedside table.

9:57am.

Alex leapt off the bed towards his desk, where his phone lay beside the keyboard. “Shit, I gotta make a phone call, I’m sorry.”

Jefferson only nodded, then slowly got up and left the room. He closed the door softly behind himself. If Alex hadn’t been so preoccupied with the fact that he was already late for breakfast with John, he would have thanked him.

The phone rang and rang until Alex’s call was sent to voicemail. He tried a second time, hoping John was just in a different room than his phone. When he didn’t answer the second call, Alex sent him a series of texts instead. 

**[Johnny Bravo]**

**[515-760-9202]**

**> > **(10:01am) ahhhhh i’m sorry john, i didn’t mean to be late. jefferson was home today and we actually had a conversation for once….

**> > **(10:01am) let me know if you still want to go. i’m so sorry ;(

**> > **(10:05am) john?

**> > **(10:20am) i’m getting nervous now

**> > **(10:32am) john???? are you still sleeping?

 

**[Monsieur Lafayette]**

**[515-451-0288]**

**> >** (10:33am) do u know where john is? he isn’t answering me and we had plans

**< <** (10:35am) He texted me about one hour ago. He is having a family emergency. I will ask him to call you. 

**> >** (10:37am) thanks, let me know if you hear anything else???

**< <** (10:40am) Of course, Alexander. 

**< < **(10:41am) He will be okay. Don’t worry so much. Our John is a fighter 

 

**[Johnny Bravo]**

**[515-760-9202]**

**> > **(10:45am) hey, i just talked to laf. i hope everything is ok. if you need anything, let me know. u can call any time

 

Lafayette was almost certainly right, but Alex had a hard time convincing his emotions to understand this. He paced around his room for a few minutes before trudging out into the apartment to find food. 

Since he wasn’t going out to eat with John, he should definitely try to find something at home or else he’d have to disappoint John again. He didn’t want to do that, especially not when John was already dealing with whatever was going on with his family.

When he reached the kitchen, he found James Madison and Thomas Jefferson sitting across from each other at the island. If they had been talking before Alex’s arrival, he didn’t know, because they were both completely silent when he walked into the room. 

For a moment, he stared at the two men, wondering if they would mind if he spent a few minutes cooking. If it was any other day, he would have said “fuck you” (out loud) and used the kitchen without a second thought, but after his conversation with Thomas, it felt wrong to intrude. 

“Ah, sorry, I’ll just go,” he mumbled, turning to leave the room before either of them had a chance to speak. He could just eat later. John would understand.

“No, it’s okay!” James called after him, and Alex slowly slinked back into the room, feeling more than a little uneasy. Sure, he was friendly with James, but to sit in the kitchen and have a full on conversation with Thomas and him? That was bizarre as fuck. “Thomas mentioned that he talked to you today?”

“So?” Alex prompted, busying himself with preparing scrambled eggs and toast as he spoke. He wasn’t entirely sure what stage of confession Thomas had gotten to in the last hour and he didn’t want to accidentally reveal too much. 

James, ever the diplomat, looked over at Alex with a smile. “I just wanted to say thank you, on his behalf, for helping him find the courage to talk to me. You didn’t have to speak with him, but we both appreciate that you did, despite everything. Right, Thomas?”

“Right.” Thomas’ pinched expression conveyed the exact level of strangeness that Alex felt. This was going to take some getting used to. 

Alex nodded, then a smirk spread across his features. “Hey, if you think this means I’ve forgotten about that piece you wrote last week on tax reform, you are sorely mistaken. I didn’t write a 15-page essay on the subject for nothing. But I will, for the sake of whatever tenuous truce we’ve reached, delay posting it to my blog while you consider rescinding your statement.”

“By all means, post your response. I would love to tear it apart.”

“You can try.”

“Oh, I will.” Thomas grinned. 

Weirdly, Alex found himself smiling in response.

When his food was done, he took his plate and sat down at the end of the island, mind already wandering back to the situation with John. He was amazed that he’d managed to hold off this long. 

The idea that John was off somewhere dealing with some kind of crisis made Alex’s insides twist up. He could only imagine what kind of emergency would pull John away with so much urgency that he couldn’t even spare a few seconds to send a text. 

What if something had happened to Martha? Alex knew her only through conversations over the phone, but he cared for her all the same. Ever since John had made Alex answer the phone for him while he was in the shower, he and Martha had been chatting a bit during John’s weekly phone calls with her. 

They’d even started texting each other a few weeks ago. It was quickly becoming apparent that Martha would fit right in with John and his friends. Alex had plans to introduce her to Eliza as soon as possible. She was like a sister to him and if something happened to her, he didn’t know what he would do.

Alex bit his lip, feeling teary-eyed. He’d never really had a family, but he figured this must be part of what it felt like to have one.

“Is something wrong?” James asked and Alex jerked back to reality. He didn’t know how long he’d been staring at his empty plate, but it must have been a while, given James’ look of concern.

He blinked a few times to clear his blurred vision. “I’m not sure.”

Thomas snorted. “What Jamie here is trying to say is that you’ve been gazing forlornly at a dirty plate for nearly 15 minutes and it’s quite disconcerting. Perhaps you should wash the plate if its state of disarray bothers you so much?”

“Yeah, I suppose I should,” Alex muttered, getting to his feet and moving over to the sink to wash the few dishes he had just dirtied. 

John would call soon and his worries would be a thing of the past. He just had to distract himself for another hour or two. That was all. 


	8. Home Sweet Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and his sister Martha journey to their hometown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, sorry to leave that last chapter on such a cliffhanger. I forgot that you guys don't know what's going on yet. My bad!!! But look! Here is more! This chapter was going to span a few more days, but I decided to break it here so you can at least have some idea of what's going on. This begins with John's POV of the day in the previous chapter.
> 
> Important: What we have here is John dealing with some anxiety issues/panic attacks, which I don't think are all that descriptive, but be careful if it triggers you. **The more obvious warning** is that there is discussion of the death of a child and also some talk about boundaries being crossed (as relates to John being asexual). If you need more detail before you feel okay reading this, let me know. 
> 
> I'm sorry about this chapter. I didn't mean for it to get so sad. Also please note that we're looking at more like 12 chapters total now haha. Oops. 
> 
> Your comments give me life. Please don't stop! (Even if all you can do is yell at me for what I have done to our poor lil cinnamon bun.) <3

John jerked awake at the sound of his cellphone ringing, panic bursting in his chest for a moment before he got ahold of himself and realized it was probably just Alex. Actually, given the darkness outside John’s window, it was definitely Alex. They were overdue for another late-night political diatribe.

“Hello?” he mumbled, pushing his hair out of his face only to have it all spring right back into his eyes. He braced himself for the angry, sleep-deprived shouting that always accompanied Alex’s 4am phone calls, but it never came. 

Instead, a soft female voice greeted him, “Jacky?”

_Well fuck._

“Hey, sis, what’s up?” he asked carefully, acutely aware of the strain in his voice. He was terrified of what her answer might be. 

He and Martha spoke on the phone every week, his relationship with her growing stronger the farther they both got from their childhood home. (And their father.) She and Alex had hit it off immediately, so much so that some days, Alex spoke to Martha on the phone longer than John did. As close as the two of them had gotten, Martha wasn’t quite as eccentric as Alex. He couldn’t imagine what she could possibly want at 4 in the morning.

“It’s dad,” she squeaked, her voice dissolving into loud, painful-sounding sobs on the other end of the phone. John clenched down on the part of himself that wanted to cry right along with her. Not that he held any affections for his father. Not at all, actually. It was Martha he was worried about. He needed to be there for _her_. 

“Martha, I need you to calm down, okay? Just tell me what’s wrong so I can help you,” he urged as gently as possible, given the volume at which he had to speak to be heard over her crying. His mind cycled through the possibilities. What could possibly have happened to their father at this hour of the night? 

Actually, there were a lot of answers to that question. 

_Fuck._

“There was a car accident. He’s in the hospital now. I’m trying to get a plane ticket, but—” her voice broke off again and John was treated to the sound of her weeping, probably alone in her dorm room. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he felt his heart shatter into a thousand irreparable pieces at the thought. 

“Martha, honey. It’s alright, it’s alright. Here, I’ll buy a ticket for you, for both of us, and I’ll fly down with you, okay?”

There was a sound like Martha was trying to stifle her sobs, her breath coming in rapid gasps, before he heard a faint, “Okay. Yeah. Will you come get me at my dorm?”

John quickly calculated how long that would take, wondering if he’d even be able to get tickets on such short notice without spending a fortune. It didn’t matter. He’d spend every last penny he had if it meant his sister found some measure of comfort.

“Yeah, give me an hour, alright?”

——————————

 

John turned his phone back on as soon as he stepped off the airplane, one arm around Martha and the other toting their two small carry on bags. 

He had 15 texts and 5 missed calls, a couple from Lafayette and the Schuyler sisters. And then the rest were from Alex, who he was supposed to have met for breakfast at Sky like an hour ago.

“Shit!"

Martha jumped, causing both of them to nearly trip and fall in the middle of the airport. John looked down at her, her tears long since dried up, but her expression still one of complete misery. He didn’t know what else to say to her. It was hard for him to talk about his father at all, let alone in a positive light. 

“I’m sorry, I just—I didn’t tell anyone where I was going and they’re probably freaking the fuck out. Alex is gonna kill me.” 

“Well, you’d better call him back then.”

“No, let me sort out the rental first.”

It took another 20 minutes for John to deal with the rental company. For some reason, he had to stand in line twice, which would have been fine, but he really was in a hurry and Martha was starting to get emotional again. God, he wasn’t going to be able to deal with another round of her sobbing into his shoulder like the world was falling apart around her. 

If she thought he was some pillar of stability in an otherwise chaotic world, she was going to be in for a huge surprise very soon. South Carolina had that effect on him. 

Once they finally had the car, John shot off a quick text to Lafayette. 

 

**[Laf]**

**[515-451-0288]**

**< <** (9:19am) Fam emergency, will call later

 

He meant to text Alex as well, but Martha’s sniffling was getting louder and he really just needed to get her to the goddamn hospital so she would see that their father was fine. It wasn’t as bad as they had previously thought and he wasn’t even in critical condition, according to the phone call Martha had received once they landed in South Carolina. For some reason, she refused to believe any of the nurse’s numerous reassurances that their father wouldn’t up and die all of a sudden. 

John tried not to think about what it meant that his father had listed Martha as his emergency contact instead of his eldest son. 

It was probably for the best. 

—————————

 

**[Laf]**

**[515-451-0288]**

**> > **(9:25am) You are okay?

**< < **(11:16am) Yes, sorry to worry you, it’s been busy, no time to call

**> > **(11:17am)  Call Alex.

 

—————————

 

By the time John was able to sit down and call Alex, in the relative privacy of his childhood bedroom, he was exhausted, emotionally unstable, and one wrong word away from a full blown panic attack. Funny how five hours in South Carolina was enough to undo the five _years_ he’d spent healing in New York. 

Alex picked up on the second ring.

“John?” he breathed, voice tight. “I’ve been so worried. Are you okay?”

John tried to pretend that wasn’t his fault. It was hard to speak around the lump forming in his throat. “Hey, Alex.”

“Are you—You don’t sound so good. Lafayette said you had some kind of family emergency? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything is okay. My dad was in a car accident, but he’s fine. Everyone is fine.” _Except me,_ John thought, pathetically. It was ridiculous that being in this stupid state, in this stupid house, could take such a toll on him in such a short amount of time. He really hadn’t expected it to be _this_ bad. 

“Are you sure?” Alex asked, his disbelief audible. “I don’t mean this in a bad way, but you sound like shit.”

John tried to talk, he really did, but the sounds weren’t coming together in his head and he really couldn’t get his mouth to cooperate anyways. 

“John?” Alex prompted after a few seconds of silence. “You there?”

“Yeah, I’m still here.”

“What’s wrong? You can tell me.”

“I don’t want to be here,” John confessed, whispering even though he was the only one in the entire house. 

His sister had opted to stay the night at the hospital and his younger siblings were staying the night with a “family friend” that John didn’t know. Since the accident with Jamie, which was apparently entirely John’s fault according to everyone in a ten mile radius of his childhood home, leaving the kids home alone with John was absolutely reprehensible. 

If someone had asked him a week ago how he felt about the accident that had taken his little brother’s life, he would have calmly explained that he still felt guilty about it, but that he knew it wasn’t actually his fault.

Today, he was beginning to wonder if he’d just deluded himself into thinking he was still a capable of being a good person. 

“I don’t care what happens to my father. Maybe that makes me an awful person. Maybe I’ve always been this cruel. Either way, I don’t give a fuck what happens to him. I’m only here for Martha.”

“Feeling this way doesn’t make you a bad person, John. But I get the feeling that there’s something you’re not saying. I won’t push, but please know that you can tell me anything, okay?”

John cleared his throat, suddenly feeling choked up again. “I—yeah. It’s just that…I haven’t been home in a long time. Not since what happened to my little brother.”

When he spoke, Alex’s voice was gentle in a way that John had never heard before. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“I want to. I should have told you already. It’s just hard to say it out loud. This is probably the worst time for me to be doing this. I’m such a fucking mess being back in this goddamn house.”

Pacing back and forth across the room was doing little for John’s state of mind, so he finally gave in and let himself fall onto the bed. He needed to figure out how to explain this to Alex. It was the only way he was going to get through this short stint in hell. 

“It’s okay if you want to wait,” Alex said, breaking the silence that had fallen over them. If he hadn’t been so emotionally drained, John would have smiled at Alex’s attempt to stay quiet for so long. “Or if you don’t want to tell me at all. I don’t mean to pry.”

“No, please, just give me a minute,” John insisted, wishing more than ever that Alex was here with him. But that wouldn’t make this any easier to say. “His name was Jamie. Well, James, but he was ten years old and he hated to be called James. After my mom died, he wouldn’t let me out of his sight. I’m not sure why he was so attached to _me_ of all people, but it was like he couldn’t stand to be away from me.”

“Hey, don’t sell yourself short. So you draw people in, what’s wrong with that?” Alex was smiling. John could hear it in his voice. He tried his hardest to picture Alex, sitting on his bed with the phone pressed against his ear and an array of books surrounding him. Hopefully he didn’t get too stressed out about so much time spent talking on the phone while he could have been working. 

John sucked in a deep breath. _Time to get this over with._

“Well, it’s because of his attachment to me that he died. I didn’t—I wasn’t thinking straight the night that it happened. I was supposed to be babysitting. The kids were all asleep, or so I thought, so I let Charlie come over. I was so _stupid_.”

“Charlie?” Alex prompted, reminding John that he’d been keeping way too many details about his past to himself. He and Alex really needed to talk when he got home, but for now, this would have to suffice.

“Charles Lee. My boyfriend at the time. He wasn’t, ah, good about my boundaries and he pushed a little too far that night and I just…freaked out. I guess I should have mentioned that this goddamn house is basically a mansion and we’ve got about 250 acres of land. There used to be quite a few trails, but I doubt anyone has touched them since I left.”

“I’m not even sure how to begin to think about how large a tract of land 250 acres is,” Alex interjected, sounding like he was on the verge of inundating John with a string of questions. He apparently clamped down on that urge because when he spoke next, he drew the conversation back on track. “But that’s not important, please go on.” 

“Well, I asked Charlie to leave and when he did, I ran outside. There’s a trail that leads to this tiny pond, about 2 miles from the house, so that’s where I was going. About a quarter mile from the house on the same trail, there’s this ravine and you’ve got to be careful climbing down because it’s about a 15 foot drop to a rocky clearing. I wasn’t particularly lucid that night, but I somehow made it to the bottom and I just collapsed in the dirt and started crying uncontrollably.”

John paused, taking a moment to compose himself. Now that he’d started to speak, this story wanted to be told. It _ached_ to be told. The words were coming almost too quickly for him to speak them, flowing like blood from a wound, until eventually, they’d dry up and he would begin to heal. 

He let that thought propel him onward, even though there were tears streaming down his cheeks and he hadn’t taken a full breath since he’d started speaking. 

“I honestly don’t know how long I was down there. I just remember hearing Jamie’s voice and then he was falling and I couldn’t move fast enough—” John’s voice broke off, the memory suddenly enveloping him. He could see, in vivid detail, the steep wall of the ravine sloping up before him, and there was Jamie, careening over the edge in some kind of sick, slow motion that rooted John to the spot. 

“I couldn’t get there. I couldn’t do _anything_. I don’t remember calling 911, but I guess I must have, because suddenly there were paramedics surrounding us and they were dragging me away from Jamie, like I’d done something to hurt him. The rest of that night is all a blur. After what happened with Charlie, having some huge cop manhandling me was well beyond what I was able to cope with. I found out a few hours later that my arm was broken, so that probably only added to the hysteria of the situation.”

“Christ, John,” Alex breathed, once John stopped talking long enough to let him get a word in edgewise. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t even imagine… Thank you for sharing with me. I only wish I was there with you right now. Are you doing okay?”

“Being here, it tears me apart. I feel so unstable. I haven’t felt like this in _years_. I don’t know what to do.”

“You’ll only be there for a day or two, right?” Alex asked.

“I hope so,” John replied, not entirely sure how long he’d be stuck in South Carolina. It depended on how long his father was in the hospital. Once he was home, John wouldn’t be able to stay any longer. If he thought the empty house was bad, having his father around would be downright traumatizing. “Once my father is released from the hospital, I won’t last much longer.”

Alex was suddenly incensed. “Do you want me to fly out there? Because I will. You just have to ask.”

Yes, was John’s immediate reaction, but he couldn’t say that. He couldn’t actually ask Alex to fly all the way down to Charleston. Besides, it wasn’t like it would help the situation any. He’d still be stuck in South Carolina, but it’d be worse because Alex didn’t belong anywhere near this hellhole of a state, let alone in this problematic excuse for a home.

“No, that’s not really a good idea,” John said eventually, keeping most of his thoughts to himself. He figured Alex would understand that a confrontation with John’s father regarding John’s sexuality was probably not a favorable situation at this point in time.

“Alright, but if you change your mind, I’ll be there as quickly as is physically possible. I’ve always wanted to visit South Carolina.”

John smiled at that. “Oh, yeah? This is the first I’m hearing of it. You should have said something sooner. We could have come down for weekend.”

“Maybe over the summer. I’m way too busy for a weekend-long vacation, John.”

“Right. About that. You probably have some work you need to get done. I’m sorry I’ve kept you on the phone for—”

“Woah there, Johnny. There is _nothing_ more important to me than your well-being. My work can wait.”

The tears were back, but John paid them no mind. 

He fell asleep to the sound of Alex sharing the story of his recent reconciliation with Thomas—yes, they all had to use his first name now, because they were _friends_ , or something—and the ensuing conversation with James Madison. 

He couldn’t wait to go home.


	9. There's No Place Like Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John really wants to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapter will be fun and happy (mostly) so you have that to look forward to. For a 'preview' of the next chapter, please check out [this highly illuminating tumblr post](http://meowlish.tumblr.com/post/141685280998) which is a pretty big spoiler tbh. 
> 
> And for those of you who are waiting, this confrontation with John's dad is going to happen for real at some point in the near future.....
> 
> Please enjoy this one in the mean time. Again, there's some description of a panic attack, but I don't think it's TOO graphic. If you want more detail, please let me know & I'll be glad to explain.
> 
> Comments give me life. Tell me how you feel. Yell at me. Just write a single word. It doesn't matter because I will still smile and it will make my day! <3

“Jack?” 

“In the kitchen!” he called back, grateful that Martha was finally back in the house for the night. Being alone in this giant, empty mansion was doing quite a number on his nerves, and after 2 days of this, he just needed to go _home_. 

_Home_ , where he could invite himself over to Lafayette and Hercules’ apartment for beer and a Disney movie marathon. Mulan (and the ridiculous grin Lafayette would bless him with upon hearing the suggestion) sounded like a really good idea just then. 

_Home_ , where he could see Alex again. How many rants had he missed out on? Alex would probably talk endlessly for 6 hours straight just to catch John up on the last 48 hours, of which John hoped he’d spent at least a few sleeping. Hopefully he’d even spared a few minutes for food here and there. 

John wanted _desperately_ to go home. 

He looked up from his dinner at the sound of footsteps in the foyer. 

“Jacky, it’s good to have you home,” came his father’s voice from somewhere down the hall. He felt the strain of every muscle in his body as he struggled to stay composed under the weight of the man’s jarring presence. 

He came into the kitchen entirely unaided by Martha, who was trailing behind him with a bag of take-out and a worried look, like she expected him to collapse at any moment. John didn’t say it aloud, but looking at his father, it was pretty hard to tell he’d been in an accident at all. Martha’s worries were probably entirely unfounded. 

“They released you sooner than I expected,” John said, brushing aside his father’s weak attempt at making him feel guilty. He wasn’t about to lie and say he wanted to be back in Charleston, either. This wasn’t home anymore. It hadn’t been home since his mother died, and since Jamie’s accident, they had been but a shadow of the family his mother had once prided herself on. 

Martha sighed loudly and dropped down on a stool at the kitchen island beside John.“The doctor said he should take it easy for a few days, but he’s refusing to take more time off work. Tell him that he’s being stupid, John!”

That sounded so much like something Alex would do that John almost laughed. Too bad this was his father, who was in no way going to “tough it out” for the sake of his “higher calling”, as Alex liked to call it. No, his father was absolutely going to milk this for all it was worth. He’d probably miss two weeks of work before it was all through, despite having no actual injuries. 

Luckily, John had several thousand excuses for why he couldn’t stay in this husk of a home for more than another night. 

“Martha’s right, Dad. You should get some rest if that’s what the doctors advised.” If he sounded like he didn’t care, well, there wasn’t much to be done about it. He didn’t care at all.

Apparently, the subject of the doctors’ orders wasn’t up for discussion because his father completely changed the subject. “How long will you be home for, Jack? We missed you around here.”

“I have to go back tomorrow,” John said, slowly, as if he hadn’t been rehearsing the line since he’d first stepped off the plane onto the tainted soil of his home-state.

“So soon? You’re hardly ever home, son. This is the first time we’ve seen you in almost 2 years. It’s been even longer since you’ve been home. I doubt Henry and Mary even remember who you are at this point.”

“It’s not that simple.” John clamped down on the emotions those words evoked in him. His father wasn’t going to win this time. “I have my own life in New York.”

His father laughed, humorlessly, the sound like the slide of metal against metal on the train. “Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that. You never call. Not even for birthdays or holidays anymore. Your mother would be extremely disappointed in your behavior, son.” 

“Like I said, I have a lot going on in my life right now,” John maintained, refusing to explain himself further. 

“Do you have a girlfriend?” his father tried, apparently deeming this the most likely reason that John wouldn’t be able to come home or have contact with his family. How could someone be so deluded? 

John smiled. “No.” 

Not a girlfriend. 

“Of course not,” his father mumbled, slamming a plate on the counter with more force than was necessary. “Well, I can’t imagine what would be occupying so much of your time, then. If you ask me, it shows a great lack of character that you can’t be bothered to call home and touch base with us every once in a while. That’s all I’m asking for. If not for me, do it for your mother’s sake. She would hate to see her family so divided.”

“I don’t think—” John stopped speaking abruptly, his chest tightening so much that his breath shuddered in his lungs. He forced himself to inhale, and even though it hurt to speak, excused himself from the room.

By the time he reached his bedroom, his hands were shaking and a wave of nausea had rolled over him. Locking the door took several seconds, his fingers fumbling over the lock, but he eventually got it right. Somehow, he managed to navigate to his contacts and dial Alex.

“Alex?” he asked, as soon as he heard the call connect. 

“Yo, John, give me one second,” Alex greeted, his voice like the first sunny day after a long New York winter. There was a shuffling sound, like he was moving into another room, and then, “What’s up?”

“I want to go home,” John murmured, clutching tightly to his phone with a sweaty hand. 

“I want you to come home, too,” Alex said, and John had to sit down on the edge of his bed because he suddenly had no strength in his legs. “Did something happen, John? You sound…bad.”

There was only silence for a few minutes as John struggled with how to respond. Simply knowing Alex was on the other end of the phone was calming him down significantly, so he was content with the quiet. 

It did not come as a surprise that Alex wasn’t. “Can I tell you about my mother?”

John, taken aback as he was, stumbled over a simple, “Of course.” He wasn’t sure what had spurred Alex’s sudden desire to share, but he wasn’t about to protest it. 

What unfolded was the story of Alex’s childhood in the Caribbean, a tale more harrowing than anything John could have imagined. His father left, his mother died, and he had been forced to grow up much too quickly. Some might say it was a miracle that Alex had made it to where he was now, that maybe the fates had aligned, luck allowing Alex to overcome the hardships of his past. 

John didn’t belief in fate. He knew Alex had worked himself near to death for every single thing he’d ever accomplished in his life. It made sense, now, how terrified Alex was of letting himself slow down. John could see how taking a break might seem like giving in, giving up, and that was scary. To lose his momentum might mean slipping back into the life he had so narrowly escaped. 

Alex was determined to make something of his life. He had his own sense of purpose to answer to. That was an immense amount of pressure for one person to endure for so long.

“Alex, I—” John stopped, finding himself feeling breathless again, but for a very different reason this time around. “I hope you know you’re an amazing person. You’ve done _so much_ with so little.”

“It’s not enough,” Alex insisted, his voice quiet, like he was ashamed of the life he had lived so far. 

“It’s okay, you know, to be scared of the future, but you don’t have to be. Not anymore. You don’t have to rely only on yourself. You aren’t alone anymore and you haven’t been for quite some time.”

There was silence on the other end of the line for a long time. John hoped that meant Alex was thinking about what he’d said and not that Alex was upset with him and trying to formulate an argument. 

John started at the sudden sound of pounding on his bedroom door. Apparently, the time had come for his father to try to reinitiate their earlier conversation. He could try, but John was seriously uninterested in discussing his personal life with his father, especially here in this house where he was so off-kilter.

Before he had a chance to react further, he heard the jiggling of the door knob, making it clear that his father still had no respect for his privacy. 

“Hey, Alex, I gotta go. I’ll text you?”

“Yeah, sure. Please hurry up and get home, John.”

John bit his lip to avoid dealing with whatever feeling those words were trying to establish in him. “I’m working on it.”

He ended the call, his father’s fist making contact with the door again with increasing intensity. When John swung the door open, his father’s face was a blank mask, giving away none of his thoughts.

His voice, however, held more than a hint of irritation. “Who was that on the phone, Jack?”

John shook his head, staying a few steps inside his room. If he needed to lock himself in again to avoid this conversation, he would.

“Answer the question, son.”

“I don’t see why you need to know.” John kept a hand braced on the door, ready to slam it in his father’s face if need be. The man was stubborn enough that he would keep John talking until he got so frustrated that he finally caved in. By no means was that an ideal situation.

“If you’re under my roof, you’ll do as I say. Now, who was that on the phone?”

“Alex,” John said through gritted teeth, deciding to give a little, in hopes that it would satisfy his father enough that he would give up on this ridiculous quest for something so pointless as a phone call.

It didn’t work. 

“And who exactly is _Alex_?”

John’s brain hiccuped a little bit and the words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself, “I’m not sure why the fuck you think you’re entitled to any information about my personal life, but you _aren’t_. If you want to be close to me so badly, start acting like a father and maybe I’ll consider sharing with you.”

In the moment of shock that followed, John took his chance. He pushed his door shut and turned the lock. He’d spend the rest of the night in his room if he had to. The attached bathroom made it an entirely feasible plan, so why not?

Then, in the morning, he would say good bye to Martha and catch his flight back home. 

 

———————————

**_[Alexander the Great]_ **

**_[515-989-0901]_ **

  **> >** (9:58pm) is everything ok?

**> >** (9:59pm) i’ve been thinking about what you said…

**> >** (10:00pm) i wish you were here so we could talk in person

**> >** (10:00pm) sorry i keep saying the same thing over and over lol

**> >** (10:01pm) pls let me know if you’re alive at some point ok?

 

**< <** (10:08pm) Everything is fine. I’m coming home tomorrow as planned.

**< <** (10:09pm) Alexander Hamilton, are you trying to say that you miss me???

**> >** (10:09pm) yes absolutely

**> >** (10:10pm) I MISS YOU MY DEAR LAURENS

**< <** (10:12pm) I miss you, too, Alex. I’ll see you tomorrow?

**> > **(10:13pm) i already made a welcome home sign and invited the gang over for a party in your honor, so you better be home tomorrow!!!!

<< (10:14pm) Good night, Alex.

>> (10:14pm) night john SEE YOU TOMORROW

John smiled, and if he read over those last few texts 10 times a minute for the next hour until he fell asleep, well, that was his business.

 

———————————

 

The night passed uneventfully, John successfully sticking to his plan to hide out in his room, and his father not attempting to initiate another “conversation” for the remainder of the night. 

When he woke up the next morning, he quickly packed what little he had traveled with, hoping to sneak out of the house before his father got out of bed. He wanted to leave immediately, but first he had to say good bye to Martha and make sure she was going to be okay to get herself home. 

“Martha?” he called quietly, knocking on her bedroom door. It was down the hall from his, and luckily, far enough from his father’s room that any knocking should go unnoticed by the man. “Martha, honey, I need to talk to you.”

There were shuffling noises on the other side of the door for a moment before Martha cracked the door open, blinking rapidly at the light in the hallway. 

“Jack?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna head out. Before Dad wakes up, preferably. I wanted to make sure you’ll be okay to get home on your own.”

Martha suddenly looked like she might burst into tears. “Yeah, of course, I can handle it. I shouldn’t have—I’m sorry I dragged you down here. I didn’t think about the fact that there’s probably a reason you’ve stayed away. I hope you can forgive me for all of this. I really didn’t mean for this to be so traumatic for you.”

John laid a hand on Martha’s shoulder, ending her rambling apology. None of this had anything to do with her. He sincerely hoped she didn’t blame herself for his relationship with their father. 

“No, Martha, it’s not your fault at all. I’m here because you needed me to be and I’d do it again without question. I can’t keep this up much longer though, so I’m hoping you’re okay with me leaving.”

“I’ll be okay. Go home, Jack,” Martha ordered, chuckling quietly as she pulled John in for a hug. “I love you, big bro. Make sure you call me later this week so I can talk to Alex!”

John pulled back and ruffled Martha’s already horribly tangled and frizzy hair, earning a smack in the arm. He really did miss having Martha around. Hopefully she chose to stay in the city after she finished her degree.

“I love you, too. Text me when you’re home, alright?”

“Of course. You too!”

And with that, John picked up his small carry-on bag and went outside to call a cab, longing for the moment when he was finally out of this awful state. 


	10. Home Sweet Home - Reprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang welcomes John home at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! I fixed it! Everything is happy now. Nothing is wrong. This chapter is a lot longer than usual and there's even a little something extra included because I'm a dork. Woo! 
> 
> Let me just say that this chapter inspired me and I have created the following post (which was eventually linked in the last chapter as a nice little teaser): [HERE](http://meowlish.tumblr.com/post/141685280998). 
> 
> We've got some more randomly flip-flopping POV between the sections in this. It should be easy to tell what's what, but yeah, sorry, it happened on accident.
> 
> Anyways, I think we're coming into the home stretch.... There's at least 2 more chapters, maybe 3 or 4 depending? 
> 
> Thanks again to everyone for reading and for commenting! Your comments give me life, I swear. If you're so inclined, please let me know what you think! <3

**** Alex wasn’t kidding when he said he’d organized a party and made a sign in honor of John’s long-awaited return home. Three days was _such_ a long time. John definitely deserved some kind of celebration after what he’d been through. 

The sign was actually a cheap white poster board with the words “Welcome Home John” scrawled across it in thick strokes and he’d made it at Sky with a set of children’s markers borrowed from Eliza. 

At her suggestion, Alex attempted to add a heart border around the words, but it ended up looking like something a particularly unimaginative kindergartener might create. Alex could definitely scratch “become a talented artist” off the list of possibilities in his life.

Luckily, Lafayette showed up just in time to turn those poorly drawn hearts into poorly drawn _rainbow_ hearts, and the finished product actually looked pretty good by the time they left for the airport.

He and Lafayette had been waiting at the airport for nearly an hour by the time Alex decided he really needed coffee. Lafayette offered to run over to the kiosk and buy him some so that Alex could continue to stand guard for John, his ridiculous sign at the ready. 

It was another 5 minutes before John’s plane arrived and Alex caught sight of him. It didn’t take a close inspection to realize that John was exhausted, both emotionally and physically by the looks of him. 

Alex suddenly remembered his sign and thrust it into the air, hoping it would catch John’s attention. 

It did.

 

“Oh my god, Alex,” were the first words out of John’s mouth. He stopped dead in the middle of the crowded terminal, laughter apparently immobilizing him. “Alex, I thought—you were—kidding!”

“So….you like it?” Alex asked, closing the distance between them, a process that involved a lot more social grace than he actually possessed. More than once someone elbowed him in the ribs as he squeezed between too small spaces in the crowd. “I’d like to say I made the entire thing by myself, but that would be a blatant lie. Lafayette helped me fix it since I can’t draw and I fucked it up.”

“Alex, it’s perfect,” John said, after several more seconds of tearful laughter. Alex wasn’t sure whether to be proud of his work or a little embarrassed that John found it so hilarious. He settled on proud because John had really needed a good laugh, and besides, it wasn’t like he had any delusions about his artistic talent.

They stared at each other for a moment, Alex not sure if he should say any of the things he was thinking for fear of not being able to shut himself up. John just looked tired and in serious need of a hug.

“Come here,” Alex said, opening his arms for John to step into the hug, only if he wanted to. When he did, he was warm and solid in Alex’s arms. The rush of relief that hit Alex almost overwhelmed him. He hadn’t realized how intensely he’d missed John. “I’m very glad that you’re home, John.”

At that, John dropped his forehead to Alex’s shoulder and breathed in so deeply that Alex felt the motion echo in his own chest. He held on just a little bit tighter, the idea of letting go irrationally unsettling to him. This was…something. Definitely something. 

“Let’s go find Lafayette,” Alex said after a while, knowing that Lafayette would be looking for them, and wanting to get John home as soon as possible. He pulled away from John and gestured in the direction of the coffee kiosk where Lafayette was probably STILL in line.

“Laf is here?” John asked, slinging an arm around Alex’s shoulders as they began walking. 

“He’s supposed to be getting us coffee. Well, just me actually. But now that you’re here, we can get some for you, too.”

They found him near the front of the line, two or three patrons away from the counter. Alex slipped out of John’s grasp so that he could grab his arm instead and towed him up to where Lafayette was standing. 

“Hey! Get in line and wait like the rest of us!” some guy yelled as they passed. 

Alex didn’t even turn around, just flipped him off and kept walking. Apparently, he was too stupid to realize they knew someone at the front of the line. What did he think, they were just going to try to sneak in between a couple of customers? Yeah, because that wasn’t conspicuous at all. Regardless, Lafayette had done enough waiting for all three of them and Alex didn’t really care if that got some guy’s panties in a knot. 

“Alexander, you are causing a scene! Oh, but look, you have found John.” 

Lafayette was grinning as he pulled John into a hug and Alex couldn’t help but smile in response. He was glad that his newfound relationship with John had given him a chance to reconcile with Lafayette. It had been a few months since they’d spoken before John came around, but now it was like nothing had happened between.

They made it to the front of the line in no time at all. Alex ordered quickly, a large black coffee with an espresso shot, and then stepped aside to let Lafayette and John order. An americano and a medium coffee, just cream. 

As they moved out of line to wait for their drinks, Lafayette announced, “John, we have good news to tell you!”

“Really?” John asked, his eyes flickering between Alex and Lafayette like he didn’t trust them to know what “good” actually meant. Well, his suspicions were probably not unfounded, considering that, for a second, Alex thought Lafayette was talking about the new pastry Eliza had come up with that morning. 

“Oui, of course. We have a new speaker who will come to our Open Mic Night. Alexander has convinced George Washington!”

“What?” John’s eyes widened right along with his smile. Alex could almost see the information working its way into whatever framework John had mentally set up for the event. “Alex, how the hell did you manage that?”

“Well, I mentioned the event to him the other day and he look intrigued, so I asked if he would like to speak. He seemed excited honestly. I’m not sure yet what he’ll be talking about, but it will certainly be interesting.”

Before John had a chance to respond, the barista was calling out their coffee order. Alex snatched his up and promptly burned his tongue. Ah, impatience, back to bite him in the ass. When would he learn?

They started off towards the exit, Alex forcing himself not to drink anymore of his scalding coffee, while Lafayette and John sipped away happily at theirs. He should have asked for an ice cube or something. That must be how Eliza always made it for him.

“So, John, did you know George has never met Lafayette? He’s going to _swoon_.”

“Alexander, you are too kind. You flatter me,” Lafayette chuckled, patting Alex on the back with a little too much force. Alex stumbled and would have fallen over if not for a conveniently placed pole in the middle of the room. “Sorry.”

“I’m good,” Alex reassured him, brushing the incident off with ease. “But you don’t understand. George is such a history buff, he’s going to pass out when he meets you. I’ve told him all about your work.”

“My writing is of interest to him?” Lafayette looked absolutely taken aback by this information. Sure, Washington was pretty well-known in the history community, but so was Lafayette.

“Remember when I asked if I could translate a few of your books into English for you?” Alex asked, then carefully sipped at his coffee. He was relieved to find it slightly cooler than the surface of the sun. “That was because of George. He kept bothering me to translate bits and pieces and eventually, I figured it would be easier to simply translate the books in their entirety.”

“You mean you translated a book just for him?” Lafayette nearly shouted, his accent growing so heavy in his shock that, for a second, Alex thought he might have spoken in French. 

Feeling sheepish, Alex tried to steer the conversation in a different direction. “Not exactly. Your work is amazing, Laf. I was happy to help make it available to a broader audience.”

John cleared his throat, drawing both Alex’s and Lafayette’s attention to him at once. “Ah, sorry to interrupt, but I’m starving and I would love to go home now.”

He was standing next to a cab, the back door wide open. Alex glanced at Lafayette, who looked just as surprised as Alex felt at the fact that they’d been so engrossed in their conversation, they hadn’t noticed they’d made it all the way outside and to an available cab.

“Right. After you,” Alex said, gesturing for both Lafayette and John to slide into the car before him. Soon, they would be back at the apartment complex, sans the John-sized hole in everyone’s lives. Hopefully, that meant things would be able to return to some semblance of normality. 

———————————

 

By the time John made it into his apartment, Alex trailing behind him, he was too tired to even walk the rest of the way to his room. Instead, he flopped down on the couch and fell asleep within minutes. 

He woke to Alex calling his name and prodding him in the shoulder. The smile he was greeted with almost made it worth it to be awake, but not quite, because he was still so _tired_.

“Can I help you with something?” John mumbled, squinting in the brightness of the room. Why were all the lights on? What sort of cruel form of torture was this? 

Alex flopped down on the couch beside John with an overdramatic sigh. “Yes, as a matter of fact, you can. I’ve just hung up my sign as the banner for your Welcome Home party, and I wanted to see if you approved or not.”

“My Welcome Home party?” John echoed, wondering when anything had been said about some kind of party in his honor. Not that he didn’t appreciate it, because it absolutely warmed his soul, but it would have been nice to know about it in advance. 

“You know, the one I mentioned last night in a text?” Alex tried, but John just stared at him, not sure what Alex was referring to right away. “I hope that’s okay. I can cancel it.”

All of a sudden, it dawned on him. He remembered the specific text, about how Alex had ‘invited the gang over’, and how he had written it off as joke. “Well, I thought you were joking, but no, please don’t cancel it. It’s just a few people, right?”

“Yeah, Laf and Herc. I think Angelica is bringing Eliza and Peggy, and then well, I may have invited Thomas Jefferson and James Madison. They’re dating now, did I mention that yet?

“You mentioned it, but I’m still not entirely sure how it all came to pass.”

Alex talked non-stop for close to fifteen minutes, recounting the entire tale to John in incredible detail. “So yeah, they’re dating now and Thomas hasn’t been uncivil with me in almost 72 hours. It’s a record, I think.”

John, speechless, shook his head in wonder. The world was a strange and beautiful place sometimes. 

“You’re sure it’s okay if everyone comes over?” Alex asked again, after a few minutes of silence. “I guess I didn’t think about how tired you would be.”

“It’s really okay, Alex. We can watch Disney movies all night. It’ll be fun,” John decided, hoping to actually fulfill his plan to watch Lafayette’s favorite movie. That would bring a smile to his face for sure.

Alex barked a laugh, then scooted a little closer to John. “I like the sound of that. Did I mention I invited everyone here, specifically, to your house?”

John followed Alex's lead, leaning into his shoulder with a sigh. “It’s fine, Alex. I really don’t mind.”

And with that, John settled in to wait for his friends to arrive. Good thing he was so tired, because napping made time pass _very_ quickly. (And Alex's shoulder was very comfortable.)

————————————

 

“My vote is for Frozen,” Peggy said, looking through the list of movies John had on his laptop, all of which he had acquired through perfectly legal means. So long as legal meant “contrary to or forbidden by law”. 

The whole lot of them were piled in John’s living room, Angelica and Eliza cuddled up on the couch, Peggy seated on the floor in front of them with John’s laptop. Thomas was sitting on the arm of John’s prized armchair, the first piece of furniture he’d ever bought for himself, while James sat on the chair itself. 

At some point, John was going to have to process this new information about Thomas. It was still quite jarring to see him and think “friend”. 

Then there was Lafayette, who was sitting next to Hercules on the already cramped couch. Neither of them looking particularly irked to be sharing the space, however, since it meant having easy access to the pizza and wings sitting on the coffee table.

Alex was laying flat on the floor between the table and the wall, staring up at John as he walked by to find a spot where he could sit with his back against the wall but still see the tv. 

“What about Lilo?” Lafayette said, at least, John was pretty sure it was Lafayette. He was using his “fake American accent”, which sounded an awful lot like a whinier version of Hercules, and to be honest, it could very well have been Hercules mimicking Lafayette’s voice to throw everyone off. He would never admit it, but Lilo and Stitch was his favorite movie, so John was definitely suspicious.

“I don’t know,” Angelica cut in, the determination in her tone making it clear that they would be watching what she wanted to watch at some point that night. “The Little Mermaid is a classic. Don’t you think so, Alex?”

“Sure, but it wouldn’t be my first choice,” Alex called from the floor. When he turned his head to face John, he smiled and said, “Actually, since this is your house, John, why don’t you pick first?”

John paused for a moment, pretending to be deep in thought, before looking over at Lafayette with a completely neutral expression. In a falsely inquisitive tone, he asked, “How about Mulan?”

He watched in amusement as Lafayette’s mood went from relaxed to elated over the course of a single blink. In his excitement, he managed to knock Hercules’ pizza onto the couch, and his clumsy attempt to take care of the mess earned a shout of “hey, watch it!” from Eliza who was being squashed into the corner of the couch. 

“My bad,” John said, passing a few napkins over to Lafayette as Eliza extricated herself from where she’d been stuck beside Angelica. “Peggy, can you hit play?”

“Already on it!” 

John found himself watching Lafayette more often than the movie, finding comfort in his friend’s happiness. Once it became clear that Lafayette was going to sing along to every musical number in the movie, John and the Schuyler sisters joined in, belting out the words with abandon.

Towards the end, John found himself drifting in and out of sleep. The only reason he stayed awake was the uncomfortable position he was sitting in. If Alex wasn’t already splayed across the floor, that’s where he would be. 

“What’s next?” Peggy asked, once the credits began to roll and everyone began to move around, for bathroom breaks and drink refills. 

“Lilo, since _someone_ is too embarrassed to ask.”

“I am not! Shut your mouth, Laurens.” 

“I never said it was you.”

For a moment, no one spoke, the room feeling oddly tense for a stupid argument over a children’s movie. Then Hercules chuckled and said, “Yeah, you got me there, man.”

Now, John enjoyed this movie as much as the next person, but he was tired and there wasn’t as much music to sing along with, so his bouts of napping came on much more quickly. 

“John!” Alex whispered, and John’s eyes snapped open. “You know you can ask everyone to leave if you’re too tired.”

“It’s alright,” John insisted quietly, his eyes flicking around the room at everyone who had gathered here to welcome him home. “If I sleep through the rest of this movie, I’ll be good.” 

“Here, take my spot,” Alex patted the floor beside him and sat up, offering John the throw pillow he’d taken from the couch at some point. Too tired to protest, John switched places with him and promptly fell asleep. 

——————

 

John woke to Alex’s hand lightly touching his shoulder. He blinked his eyes open and looked over to the tv. The end credits scene was playing, the one where some of Lilo’s photos from her adventures were shown. With some effort, John managed to sit up, yawning widely as he looked over at Alex.

“Thanks,” he said, not really sure what he was thanking him for, exactly, but it felt like the right thing to say. 

“Can we _please_ watch Tangled now?” Eliza whined, much to Angelica’s chagrin. 

“Come on! I suggested The Little Mermaid way before you mentioned Tangled!”

“Let’s vote, then,” James proposed, speaking for probably the second time since he’d arrived. 

Tangled won, by one vote. 

Now this, John could stay awake for. On some level, Rapunzel’s story resonated with him and he was excited to see her escape from the control of her mother and go on a wonderful adventure. He also _really_ loved Pascal. 

About halfway through the movie, one of John’s favorite scenes began, the one where Rapunzel had a few girls braid her hair at the festival, and he suddenly had a very intriguing idea.

“Alex,” he whispered, gesturing fiercely for him to sit up. “Can I braid your hair?”

Alex shrugged, but he slid closer to John, so he took that as a yes. Since his hair had been down, it was a tangled mess from laying on the floor, but John managed to get most of the knots out by combing through with his fingers. 

“No, stop moving,” he hissed, trying to split the hair at the top of Alex’s head into three strands for a French braid. Once he got used to the particular thickness and feel of Alex’s hair, the process got a lot easier, and before he knew it, he was casting around for a hair tie to finish it off. 

“Here!” Eliza practically yelled, tossing a hair tie at John. It landed in front of Alex, who graciously passed it back to John with no further ado. 

“This might just be the cutest I’ve ever seen you look,” Angelica decided, her smile lighting up her entire face. There were murmurs of agreement from around the room and John could tell Alex was happy about it. 

John was glad everyone here was so bright and positive. It was doing a lot to cheer him up after such a rough couple of days in his father’s presence. 

“Can you do a fishtail braid?” Eliza asked, ignoring the movie and making her way over to John even though she had fought pretty hard to get Tangled played in the first place. 

John shook his head. His knowledge was limited to what Martha had taught him back when they both still lived with their father. “No, sorry, I only know how to French braid.”

Peggy hopped to her feet so suddenly that everyone’s eyes snapped to her. “I can!” 

And that was how John ended up learning how to fishtail braid, surrounded by all of his friends while a Disney movie played in the background.

——————————

 

It was well past midnight when the “party” finally broke up, leaving Alex alone with a sleeping John. He’d passed out some time during The Lion King and then slept straight through Emperor’s New Groove, even with all the laughter in the room. 

Obviously he was pretty damn tired. 

Part of Alex thought about covering him up and letting him sleep on the floor all night, but it didn’t seem like a very nice thing to do to someone. Floors weren’t ideal beds. 

“John, my dear, I’m afraid you need to wake up.” 

He poked John in the arm, eliciting a faint murmur of, “Go away.” It was simultaneously adorable and sad, so Alex tried again, poking him a little harder. 

“What!” John whined, his eyes fluttering open and meeting Alex’s wide-eyed gaze. “Oh, Alex. Did I just yell at you? I’m sorry if I did.”

“It’s fine, but I figured you wouldn’t want to sleep on the floor all night. Everyone’s gone home so you can go to bed now, if you want,” Alex explained, helping John to his feet. He could imagine what kind of toll 3 days of emotional abuse might take on a person. All things considered, John was handling it pretty well.

“Hold on,” John said, slipping into the bathroom and leaving Alex standing awkwardly in the hallway. Just when he began to wonder if he should go out in the living room to wait for John, he came out, hair pulled back, and given the minty scent, teeth freshly brushed. 

“I should probably go.” 

“I, uh, was actually going to ask if you wanted to stay?”

Surprised, Alex blurted, “Are you sure?” 

John reacted strongly to Alex’s unintentionally nuanced response. “Yeah, I only meant—I’m not trying to—that wasn’t supposed to sound—ah. You can just sleep on the couch. If that’s cool.”

Alex tried to hold back the laughter that was bubbling up in his throat. He was about 60% successful in his endeavors. 

“That’s totally cool,” Alex assured him. In fact, it was exactly what he was expecting John to say, once he got over the shock of John Laurens asking him to sleep over at his house. “I didn’t mean…what you thought I meant either.”

“Okay, then that’s settled. I was kind of hoping we could talk tonight, but I’m exhausted. I guess if you wanted to just go home that would be fine, too. There’s really no point, I guess, in asking you to sleep on my uncomfortable couch all night.”

The look on John’s face slowly morphed from pleased to uncertain to crestfallen as he spoke, making it clear to Alex that he didn’t quite believe in the meaning behind the words he’d just spoken. It didn’t matter if they weren’t in the same room. It meant something that John trusted him enough to ask him to stay the night. That seemed like a pretty big deal to Alex. 

“I know you don’t believe any of that. I’ll stay. I just need some blankets and maybe a real pillow if you have an extra.”

John nodded, leading the way towards his bedroom. “I have like 6. Don’t ask.”

He tossed one of these 6 pillows at Alex’s chest, followed by two blankets, and then walked with him back into the living room. 

“If you get cold, there’s a throw blanket folded up underneath the coffee table, here” John explained, before actually pulling the blanket out and placing it on top of the pile of blankets Alex had already set on the couch. Alex was pretty sure he wasn’t going to have to worry about being cold. 

John turned to leave, but Alex lightly caught his hand before he could retreat to his bedroom. “Thanks, John. For having me over. Maybe we can talk over breakfast?”

John squeezed his hand and murmured, “Sure, that sounds nice. Good night, Alex.”

“Night, John.”

It was good to have him home.


	11. Table for 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Alex enjoy a meal together at Sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh sorry it's been such a long time, my mind has been elsewhere of late! 
> 
> I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, but I hope you'll like it anyways. As always, comment to make me smile! 
> 
> I should have more out within a week or so. <3

**** John’s eyes flickered open, his brain alerting him to some sound in the hallway outside his room. For a second, he was confused and maybe a little concerned, until he remembered that Alex had slept over.

“Jooooohn, are you ever going to wake up?” Alex was saying, in a petulant voice. “It’s like, noon, and I’m trying to be nice and let you sleep but it’s almost **_noon_** ,John. How can you _still_ be asleep!”

John sat up, his gaze straying to the clock on his wall. Apparently, Alex wasn’t exaggerating. It was 11:30 in the morning, which meant if Alex had slept at all, he’d likely be up for 5 or 6 hours already. The entire situation was much funnier than John had ever imagined it could be, even given Alex’s penchant for prompt 7am wake up texts. 

He rolled out of bed, grinning even as he opened the door. Alex was sitting on the floor across from John’s bedroom door looking incredibly miserable. Unable to help himself, John burst out laughing, tears in his eyes as he watched Alex’s frown turn to a pout. 

“Hey! I waited for hours. There was serious restraint exhibited on my part. I think I deserve some respect for that,” Alex protested, his voice still coming out in a whine despite what was obviously his best effort to appear stern. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just that—” John couldn’t even speak, his mind replaying the words that he had woken up to over and over on a loop. Alex was just too fucking cute. Which apparently John’s mind was attempting to deal with through excessive bouts of side-splitting laughter. “I’m awake now. Let’s have breakfast. We can go to Sky and talk, if you want.”

“Breakfast, John? Really?” Alex jumped to his feet, and John almost lost it again at the passion this subject was evoking in him. “You _missed_ breakfast. Now we have to get _lunch_. Can you believe that? Lunch!”

“Are _you_ lecturing _me_ about meals?”

Alex just stared for a moment, his expression doing a 180. “You are absolutely right. I’m going to shut up now.” 

John, who had finally gotten ahold of himself, choked back another round of laughter in favor of this truce. “Do you want to borrow some clothes or just stop home first?”

“Oh, I suppose I could go—” 

A horrified expression crossed Alex’s face and he stopped short of finishing the thought. 

Confused and worried he’d said something wrong, John cycled back through their conversation. Was Alex upset about the meal joke? Should he not have laughed at him? Shit, what was he supposed to do to fix this when he didn’t know how he’d broken it in the first place?

“What? What’s wrong?” John asked, softly, hoping to avoid any sort of escalation. Whatever he did, he didn’t mean to do it and Alex had to know that. 

“I can’t go home.”

John stared at him, baffled. “Why not?”

“Well, Thomas and James might be—” Alex cringed, but didn’t finish the sentence. His eyes met John’s and he seemed to register for the first time that other people, namely John, could not read his mind. “I’m sorry, did you think—I didn’t mean—okay, that was my fault. For as much as I talk, I’m pretty bad at socializing sometimes.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” John said, offering Alex an embarrassed smile. He felt a little stupid now for having overreacted like that, but he felt confident that it wouldn’t happen again. Or at least not _often_. 

“Anyways, I’m not going to risk going home right now. If I can borrow a shirt or something that would be cool, then I won’t look like I slept on the floor all night.”

Now it was John’s turn to be horrified. “You didn’t sleep on the floor!”

“I…might have.”

“Alex, there is a perfectly good, if a little worn-out, couch in my living room. Why would you sleep on the floor?” John asked, drawing Alex by the arm into his bedroom to search for a shirt and some jeans. Anything he had would probably be a bit big for Alex, but it was better than the alternative. John didn’t even want to think about what was going on at Alex’s apartment. 

Alex plopped down on the edge of John’s bed, and John could feel him watching as he moved around the room, trying to find something suitable. “Well, I started out on the couch, but then I ended up on the floor and it seemed like a lot of work to get back up there, so I just…didn’t.”

John shook his head in disbelief. “I don’t even know how to respond to that.”

“Hey, the couch is narrow, alright? I roll around a lot.”

John finally found a shirt that looked like it might fit Alex. It was a black v-neck and Alex would probably hate it, but it would have to do if he wanted a shirt that fit. The only jeans he could find were a pair of skinny jeans that he was pretty sure belonged to Lafayette which meant they were way too tight for John. They should fit Alex just fine. 

“How is it that you manage to sleep at your desk?” he asked, passing the clothing to Alex, who was indeed staring at him when he turned back around. 

“Ah. I have years of practice at that,” Alex said, getting to his feet and kind of lingering awkwardly, as if waiting for something further.

“Oh. Thank you for being so considerate,” John smiled so hard his cheeks hurt. How was it that he’d been lucky enough to meet someone like Alex? Honestly, he couldn’t have imagined anyone more worthy of his trust. “But go ahead, I’m good.”

There was no hesitation on Alex’s part, which only made John happier. It was nice to know that his boundaries would be taken seriously at every turn and that Alex understood that some of his _boundaries_ were more like _walls_ that needed time to be deconstructed.

John briefly considered taking a shower, but Alex seemed in a rush to get to Sky for a meal, which was surprising in itself, so maybe it was better to skip it for today. 

It was much easier to find clothes for himself. Feeling a bit like a third grader afraid to change in front of her friends, he walked around to the opposite side of his bed and changed with his back to Alex. All of this was likely unnecessary because Alex wasn’t going to do anything that would make John uncomfortable, he truly believed that, but he still didn’t feel 100% with it. 

When he turned around, fully dressed, Alex was laying sideways on the bed, staring at the ceiling. 

“We can go, if you’re not going to fall asleep?” John prompted after watching Alex lay there for a few more seconds, his eyes falling shut. 

“Hey! I’m not sleeping!” Alex protested, jumping to his feet so quickly that he swayed unsteadily. John instinctively reached out a hand to support him, afraid that he’d collapse on the floor or something equally as horrific. “But maybe I should be?”

“I think you’re on to something,” John laughed, and Alex pouted for the second time that day.

————

 

They were at Sky for all of three seconds before Angelica walked out of the back room and spotted them, like she had some kind of magical radar. 

“John, Alex, what can I do for you?” Angelica asked, taking over for a girl at the counter that Alex was pretty sure he had never seen before. 

“We’re here for some lunch,” John replied, before Alex could say something like, ‘Wow, you’ve come to do the work of the plebeians today, have you?’ It was probably for the best. Angelica would have slapped him so hard that the sting of his words would pale in comparison. “We need two coffees and whatever you recommend for food.”

Angelica seemed to sense Alex’s internal monologue and she glared in his direction before turning her full attention back to John. Alex didn’t blame her. There was something absolutely magnetizing about John and it had very little to do with his appearance (of course, Alex could not discount the affect of John’s magnificent hair on his ability to turn his attention elsewhere). 

“The broccoli cheddar soup is pretty great,” she offered, pointing towards the sign on the counter that read ‘NEW! Broccoli cheddar soup!’ before continuing, “It’s actually Lafayette’s recipe. He gave it to me last night while you were passed out during Ratatouille. I wish I could get him to come work for me, but he says he’s too busy with his writing. Do you know who that sounds like?”

“No,” John and Alex said in unison, earning an eyebrow raise from Angelica. Alex took a half-step back, pretty sure that slap was still coming his way. 

“Ha ha,” she muttered under her breath, ringing them out for food that she probably would have given to them for free if they weren’t being so irritating. Well, Alex couldn’t contain himself sometimes. As for John, who really knew what sort of mischief he might get up to. His innocent appearance was definitely a ruse. 

“Thanks, Angie,” John said with a bright smile before following Alex over to a table in the corner where they could wait for someone to bring their food out. 

“So we’re supposed to be talking, right?” Alex asked, as soon as his butt hit the chair. He was glad to have gotten so much work done that morning because it meant he could sit and talk to John without feeling the pressure of time closing in on him. It was a nice change, actually. Not that he was going to admit that to anyone but himself.

“I guess so,” John mumbled, his gaze casting around the room and never fully settling on Alex. Tamping down on the instinct to panic was difficult, but Alex managed to stomp out most of his initial reaction in favor of allowing John a chance to elaborate.

Instead, Alex laughed. “Wasn’t this your idea?”

“Yeah, but it just feels forced now,” John explained with a heavy sigh. 

Alex waited for a few moments before speaking again, hoping John might start talking if he had some time to gather his thoughts. Apparently that was not the case. 

“Well, what did you want to talk about?” he prompted eventually, offering John an encouraging smile. 

After a beat, John sucked in a deep breath and started to talk. “A lot of things. I feel like I need to explain why South Carolina gets to me so easily. And I want to apologize for being a mess and calling you every day as if there aren’t other things going on in your life.”

“John, I’m going to stop you right there. First of all, you have several perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to be at your father’s house, all of which you have already shared with me. And second, I do not accept your apology. You have no reason to be sorry for seeking support from me. That’s just silly, okay? I know I’m busy, but I’m never going to be too busy to talk to you.”

John was frowning by the time Alex finished speaking, his gaze focused on his hands folded on the table in front of him. Not sure what else to do, Alex laid a hand over John’s hands, hoping it would prompt him to look up. 

He did, but in the same moment, the mystery girl from earlier arrived at their table with their food and coffee. 

“Thanks,” John said, offering her a small smile as she placed their order on the table. He pulled his hands out from under Alex’s, giving the waitress space on the table. 

“Not a problem. Let me know if there’s anything else you need!” the girl chirped. 

Once she was gone, John finally looked at Alex again, his expression contemplative. The entire conversation seemed to be taking a lot out of him and Alex was quickly beginning to regret bringing it up at all. John would have broached the subject when he was ready, Alex was sure of that. 

“See, I know you’re right. The hard part is convincing myself to believe it, if that makes sense?” John explained, fidgeting with a packet of sugar. At least he was still meeting Alex’s gaze. “Let’s just eat and talk about something else.”

“Alright, let me just say one more thing,” Alex began, watching John for any sign of disapproval. If he wanted Alex to shut up, he would. When the only response he got was a half-hearted shrug, he continued. 

“If this is anything like me not letting anyone…help me during my stupid crashes, then please, don’t try to deal with it by yourself,” Alex paused, offering his hand to John across the table, hoping he might find holding hands to be comforting. If not, Alex was determined to figure something else out. “You’re not alone. Isn’t that what you told me? There are plenty of people who want to be there for you if you ever decide to reach out to them.”

“Yeah,” John said, his expression brightening as he placed his hand in Alex’s. “Thank you, I think I needed to hear that.”

“Is this okay?” Alex asked, lifting their joined hands in question, at the same time that John shoved a spoonful of soup into his mouth. 

John nodded enthusiastically, some semblance of normality returning to them. John’s mood brightened considerably and soon, they were talking like nothing had ever happened. Alex could only hope that meant his words were being taken as seriously as he’d taken every piece of advice John had ever given him. 

He was feeling rather confident about it all, to say the least. 

————

 

“Do you really have to go to work?” Alex whined, from where he was standing beside John in the lobby of their apartment building. 

John was supposed to be heading over to work for a couple of hours, just to ‘catch up’, and that was a good idea, but Alex was incredibly disappointed that he was losing John already. 

“Well, I’ve missed quite a few days. I’m not scheduled today, but I should check in and let them know I’m home at least,” John countered, his words conveying a much more well-thought out point than Alex was capable of making in that moment. 

Alex sighed, perhaps a bit dramatically, but he didn’t want to go home yet. He could spend the next four hours talking to John about anything and everything he could think of, and that still wouldn’t be enough time. There would _never_ be enough time for all the things he wanted to say to John.

“You’re probably right. But don’t go and fly off to another state in the middle of the night without telling me, okay?” Alex tried to keep his voice steady, like the very idea of John leaving again wasn’t something he was going to have actual nightmares about for weeks. 

It wasn’t just that he’d left, really, but the thought that he’d gone somewhere so traumatizing and Alex wasn’t able to do anything to help him. “I know that’s not really something I can ask—” 

The hand John laid on Alex’s shoulder stopped him mid-sentence. “Alex, try not to worry about it. I’m just going across the city. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

John met Alex’s gaze, smiling so bright it was as if the sun’s rays were shining in Alex’s eyes, and Alex forget whatever else he’d been planning to say, the words pushed away to some corner of his mind. There wasn’t much room for thought with John looking at him like he thought Alex’s eyes held all of the answers he sought. 

So immersed in the depths of John’s gaze, Alex didn’t notice John was moving until after he was already being kissed, John’s lips pressed to his cheek so gently that he might have missed it if his focus hadn’t immediately shifted to the situation at hand. 

It was probably just his imagination, because that whole heart skipping a beat thing wasn’t real, but Alex thought maybe his heart had shuddered along with his breathing. 

“Okay. Good. That’s…good,” he mumbled, trying to weave his thoughts into some kind of coherent framework. A kiss on the cheek had never meant this much to him. His surprise was a palpable thing, blocking out every other mention he was experiencing. 

“You alright?” John questioned, that grin back on his face in full force. He was still standing awfully close to Alex, close enough that if Alex wanted to, he could lean over and return the gesture. As much as he wanted to, it didn’t feel right just yet. 

Instead, he returned John’s smile, or at least, something he hoped came close to matching John’s absolutely brilliant grin. “Yeah, yeah. Go on, get to work before they think you’re shirking your duties for yet another day.”

John nodded, seeming satisfied with this, and left Alex standing in the middle of the lobby looking like a lost child who had wandered away from his mother. It probably should have been more alarming how affected he was by John, but as it stood, he was enjoying the experience too much to care. 

He was going to die from this. 

He was sure of it.


	12. The Visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone drops by John's apartment and Alex does a stupid thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow look, two chapters in one weekend. This one is actually only half of one huge, super long chapter, but it got out of hand, so I'm posting it as two separate ones. I should have the next part up within the week! 
> 
> This is the chapter I have been waiting for since I started this fic and it's ridiculous but I love it. I hope you all do, too!!! Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Also, another thanks to [Madeline](http://matleenamaddie.tumblr.com/) for her help!! <3 Without her, this would not have been even half as angsty! 
> 
> As usual, pleaseeeeee comment if you have anything to say. <3

After that first night, things fell into a bit of a routine. More often than not, Alex would spend the some portion of the day with John, either at his apartment or at Sky, and then he’d stay the night on John’s couch (or the floor, but he wasn’t going to admit that ever again). Alex would wake up, usually several hours before John, and get as much work done as possible so that he had free time during the rest of day. 

Now, Alex had a few ideas as to why this was the case. 

First, they were on summer break at the university. 

John was working and finishing up some last minute plans with Lafayette and Hercules for their event at Sky, which finally had a set date and time, much to John’s delight. 

Alex was taking two summer classes and working in Washington’s office, which mostly meant assisting Washington directly with his research and required very little time actually in the man’s office. Beyond that, he had picked up a column in an online newspaper that was paying him pretty well. So, all in all, they both had a lot more free time.

Second, it was difficult for Alex to get any work done at his own apartment, given that Thomas and James might walk in at any moment. The stress associated with that possibility did not bode well for a productive work environment.

Third, John was adorable and hilarious and absolutely brilliant, like honestly, who else was he going to have in-depth political discussions with that actually made him _think_. And yeah, Alex could go on _all_ day, but the point was, he was maybe a little bit attached to John. 

Plus, a whole host of other reasons, such as Alex was pretty sure it was much easier to just stay over at John’s apartment if he was going to end up being there the next morning anyways and also John made sure he actually went to sleep at a decent hour.

In summary, Alex really liked John and he was going to spend as much time with him as John would allow. Which apparently, was _a lot_ of time, because Alex hadn’t slept in his own bed in at least a week. 

The sound of someone knocking at John’s apartment door jolted Alex out of his latest session of ruminating on his relationship with John. 

“John,” Alex called from the living room, several times, to no avail. Either John was in some kind of deep sleep, or he was intentionally ignoring Alex. Assuming the latter, he walked into John’s bedroom and right up to the bed before trying again, “John!”

“What,” John whined, pulling the covers over his head even as Alex began to tug them out of his grip. Given the irritated nature of his response, he’d clearly heard all of Alex’s yelling and was simply choosing to ignore him until he went away. That absolutely did not make Alex smile.

“Someone’s at your door,” Alex explained, releasing his hold on the comforter. John’s death grip was preventing him from gaining any ground and it really wasn’t worth the struggle to fight with a sleepy John.

“Who?” came the muffled reply.

Alex scoffed. “I don’t know, I didn’t let them in. It’s your apartment, not mine.”

John’s voice grew even more incoherent as he pulled the blankets tighter around his face. “Baby girl, just open the door. See who it is.” 

“Alright, but what if it’s someone I don’t like, but _you’re_ friends with them and—“

“Go!”

“Fine!” Alex shouted back, grin still plastered to his face even as he swung the door inward, revealing an older man he had never seen before. His pristine suit and tie, along with the scowl on his face, immediately made Alex uncomfortable. 

“Can I help you?” he asked, his tone probably more abrasive than necessary, but why was this random man showing up at John’s door at 5:00 in the morning? That was just rude. Especially considering John had that “no contact before 7:00am” rule that Alex despised so much.

“I’m looking for Jack,” the man said, voice utterly devoid of emotion. His flat gaze roamed around the apartment, or at least, what he could see of the apartment around Alex. 

“I’m sorry, who?” Alex asked, not sure if this guy had the wrong apartment or if his mind was finally giving out on him and he’d completely misheard. Since he’d actually been sleeping 4-5 hours a night lately, he hoped it wasn’t the latter. 

“John. John Laurens. This is his apartment, correct?”

“Dad?” came a croak from somewhere deeper inside the apartment. Alex felt the world tilt on its axis. He whirled on John, the surprise coloring his expression echoed in John’s face. 

After a moment of staring at each other, Alex turned back to the man at the door, his anger rapidly materializing in the face of John’s biggest nightmare. This man had done nothing but take and take and take, and John had nothing left to give. He bit his tongue, literally, to keep himself from shouting at the man. It wasn’t his place. 

Upon John’s arrival, his dad pushed past Alex into the apartment. He shook hands with John, a gesture that seemed at once too little and too much for John. 

“Hello, son. I told you I would try to visit.” 

John offered what was clearly a forced smile. “You should have called.”

“Why?” His father laughed dryly, the sound more grating than anything else. “You never do.” 

John flinched and seemed to deflate completely. 

Alex suddenly tasted blood. 

“With all due respect, sir,” Alex began, with no respect whatsoever, “I don’t think it’s polite to show up unannounced at someone’s home.”

“Who are you?” His tone said that he didn’t particularly care to hear the answer. 

Alex looked over at John, not sure what the answer to that question even was. The thing he had with John was…complicated and they hadn’t really talked about it before. Besides, from the stories he had heard, John’s dad was a huge asshole and he wasn’t interested in sharing his private life with the man.

“This is Alex.”

Alex threw on his best business smile and shot a hand out. “Alexander Hamilton, sir. It’s nice to meet you.”

Mr. Laurens’ grip was tight and overpowering. In that moment, Alex had a flash of what it might have been like to grow up under the influence of such an aggressive, overbearing father figure. He looked back at John, not for the first time amazed by his resilience.

“Well then, Mr. Hamilton, if you will excuse us, I would like to have a private conversation with my son.”

John’s response was immediate, his voice tense. “He stays.”

“Now, Jacky, I hardly think its appropriate for him to have knowledge of your personal life.”

“What do you want?” There was none of the expected fire in John’s voice, just a sort of resignation that made Alex sick to his stomach. Anyone who would willfully make someone so bright and radiant as John feel so despondent was no one that Alex wanted anything to do with. 

Mr. Laurens did not seem to notice the effect he was having on John. “Your sister has invited me to dinner tonight to meet her boyfriend. I thought I would stop by and see if you would like to join us.”

“Did she tell you to do this?”

“What? No, of course not. I just thought that since I’m meeting David tonight that we might all get to meet the girl in your life as well. Martha hinted at it over the phone. I thought it would be nice surprise for her.”

Alex froze, every muscle in his body locked in place as he replayed those words in his mind. A girlfriend? Images of the last few weeks flashed through his mind as he tried to understand how he could have missed something so huge. John had a girlfriend? Was that why he’d been so surprised when Alex had asked if he and Angelica were dating when they first met? Because there was someone else all this time? 

How did he fucking miss that? Some friend he was. And to think, this entire time he’d thought John had feelings for _him_. God, what a mess this was going to be to sort out. Not that John needed to know the gory details of Alex’s stupidity. But Alex hardly knew how to keep his mouth shut on a good day, so there was no way he was going to avoid having this conversation as soon as John’s dad left. 

Fuck.

“Dad, I don’t think this is a good idea,” John tried, looking desperately at Alex. Apparently he felt bad for having kept this a secret. Alex didn’t have it in him to hold a grudge against John, of all people, so he offered a smile that he hoped looked convincing.

“On the contrary, John. I think it’s a great idea. You should go.”

John’s dad looked pleased. Alex wanted to throw up. “Thank you for the support, Mr. Hamilton.”

“If you’re sure,” John said, but the words weren’t meant for his dad. His eyes remained locked on Alex, the uncertainty there just begging for Alex to speak his mind. And he would, as soon as they got Mr. Laurens out of the apartment. 

“Yes. So it’s settled then. I’ll send a car to pick you up here at 6:30 sharp. We will be dining at Eleven Madison Park. Dress accordingly.”

“Dad, there’s something—“

“I really have to go, son. I don’t have time for social hour right now. We can discuss it tonight over dinner.”

And with that, the elder Laurens left the apartment, closing the door with enough force to make John jump. He collapsed onto the couch like his legs couldn’t hold his weight for another second.

“Oh shit. Fuck, what am I supposed to do now?”

“John, it’s alright,” Alex placated, not sure what was causing such an extreme reaction. Surely John didn’t think he would be too upset about him having a secret girlfriend. He was upset, definitely, but John didn’t need to know that because it was his own damn fault.

“How is this alright, Alex! I can’t bring my _girlfriend_ to dinner with my father!” The way he practically spat the word girlfriend gave Alex pause. Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed with John’s dad without speaking to John first?

“I’m sorry! I thought that’s what you wanted me to say!”

“My girlfriend, Alex? My girlfriend? That implies that I’m dating someone who identifies as female, and last I knew, you don’t!”

Alex felt his brain hitch as John’s words sunk in. “Wait, I’m sorry, what?”

John sighed so hard that Alex thought he felt the gust of air from across the room. 

“I see I have misread the situation, as usual,” John said, not elaborating on his previous outburst in the slightest.

“Or maybe I have?” Alex tried, pretty sure that John was trying to say that he thought they were dating, and now that Alex really stopped to think about it, they _were_. Sure, there wasn’t any kissing or sex, but John had told him a while back that he was sex-repulsed and kissing was something that he needed to wait on. Beyond that, there was a lot of touching and hadn’t John called him “baby” this morning? 

“Oh god,” Alex groaned, flopping onto the couch near John, but far enough away to ensure that he had an adequate amount of personal space. “This is all my fault. For the sake of clear communication, can you please explain to me how long we’ve been dating without my knowledge?”

John didn’t look at him, not even when he finally answered Alex’s question. “Like a month, Alex. Or at least, I thought we were.”

Alex was shocked, but also a little worried about his sanity because he’d had no idea. Well, no, he’d had an _idea_ , but apparently it was not the same idea as John’s _idea_. “Please tell me we have never had a conversation wherein it was explicitly stated that I, Alexander Hamilton, am the boyfriend of one John Laurens.” 

“Not in those words, but there were all those conversations about boundaries and I thought—well, I thought that implied ‘we’re dating now’,” John said, looking and sounding absolutely wrecked, like he was seconds away from crying, and Alex had no idea what to do about it.

So he started talking. “Please believe me when I say that I am so fucking sorry. I know it’s just an excuse, but I don’t always have the best handle on reality and sometimes I get so disconnected that I don’t even know what day it is anymore. That doesn’t help, I’m sure, but it’s the truth.”

John laughed, but it sounded sort of pained, and when Alex looked over at him, he realized John was definitely crying.

Panicked, Alex let loose another stream of babbling, “No, no, oh God, please don’t cry, John. What do you want me to do? I’ll leave if that will help. I’m so sorry.”

John shook his head. “It’s not—I just need a minute, okay? Too much happened in the last 20 minutes.”

Alex nodded and stood up, intending to leave the room for a little while, but John caught his hand and pulled him back down onto the couch. 

“I didn’t say you had to leave.”

“Okay,” Alex whispered, not daring to move an inch from where he sat pressed up against John, their hands clasped together. 

He felt like an idiot. First of all, he’d gone from feeling pretty secure in his relationship with John to assuming that John had a secret girlfriend just because his asshole father had suggested it. How his brain had allowed that to happen was beyond him. 

Then on top of it all, even his own idea of what his relationship was with John wasn’t even right. How he could miss something that was so obvious to John was baffling to him and he felt absolutely awful in light of what he’d just done to John.

He just hoped John would give him another chance because he didn’t mean for any of this to happen and he cared about John way too much to let his own inattention get in the way of their future together. 

Finally, after several agonizing minutes, John wiped at his eyes, releasing Alex’s hand to do so. 

With a sigh, John said, “I just, uhm, I want you to listen to everything I have to say before you react, okay? Because I’m not blaming you for anything, but I want to explain how I feel.”

“Of course,” Alex assured him, silently vowing to himself that he was going to keep his mouth shut no matter what. It was the very least he could do after the mess he’d just caused. 

“My dad showing up here really messed with my head. This is my safe space and to have him in it really rocked my foundation,” John explained, making eye contact with Alex, but not keeping it. All Alex wanted to do was hug him until he stopped crying, but he made himself sit still and listen.

“To have him suggest that I bring my girlfriend out to a meal with him isn’t necessarily unexpected, but I didn’t expect your response and it scared me because I thought maybe I had…maybe I had messed up and interpreted our relationship incorrectly. Which I would have been okay with, eventually, because I’ve done that sort of thing before,” John continued, wringing his hands as he spoke and no longer even attempting to look in Alex’s direction. 

Alex bit down on his lip and literally forced himself to stay silent in spite of the words churning inside of him. 

“But Jesus, Alex, for you to not realize we’re dating, that hurts. I know you didn’t mean it, please believe me, but it felt so invalidating because all of the things that I valued in our relationship, you apparently wrote off as friendship, like we can’t actually be dating because we aren’t having sex. I don’t think this is what you actually believe, but it’s still hard to—” John stopped speaking abruptly, his breath shuddering in his chest.

By this point, Alex was struggling with himself to stay quiet. John’s distress was a palpable thing and he wanted—needed—to talk until he’d fixed everything, until he’d replaced every awful thing he’d made John feel today with something more deserved, like appreciation or love. But he waited, letting John finish speaking even though it hurt him to stay silent. 

John wiped at his eyes again before continuing. “You’ve been so understanding about me being ace and that means so much to me. But it feels like maybe I’ve messed up because I was under the impression that we had something more than friendship between us, and now…”

He finally looked up at Alex, his expression giving away a dozen disparate emotions. “Now, I feel like I’ve lost something that was very important to me.”

Alex waited, searching John’s face, allowing himself to absorb every single emotion that John was directing his way before speaking. “John, love, please don’t blame yourself. You were apparently quite clear with me and _I_ misinterpreted what was going on. That’s not to say that I wasn’t hoping we were dating. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I like you a lot and I’ve wanted to date you since the moment we met. I guess I just haven’t been paying attention to what’s right in front of me.”

John didn’t look away, so Alex took that as a sign that he wasn’t making everything worse and continued speaking, “I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel invalidated. That absolutely was not my intention, but I can understand why you feel that way, and it’s my fault entirely. If you need some time away from me, I’ll understand that, too.”

John’s reaction was immediate. He grabbed Alex’s hand like he was terrified of what might happen otherwise. To be honest, Alex was, too. 

“I don’t want you to go. I just wanted to explain how I feel. And Alex, it isn’t your fault entirely. You’re right that we never actually had ‘the talk’ and that was just as much my fault as yours. I shouldn’t have taken for granted that we were on the same page.”

Alex didn’t say anything for a while, hoping to give John some time to deal with his thoughts while Alex dealt with his own. He was going to be pretty angry at himself for a while for hurting John like this, but he felt like everything would be okay. They just needed to be careful about communicating from now on. 

“Just so we’re clear, you don’t have a secret girlfriend?” Alex asked, after a few more minutes of silence. 

“No, but I think I need to find one in the next 12 hours or I’m totally screwed.” John tried to laugh it off, but Alex saw through it easily. 

He smiled playfully, pushing aside his serious thoughts for the moment, in favor of making John feel better in any way possible. “What, you can’t just bring your boyfriend along?”

“I don’t think that would go over so well.” John sighed and Alex could feel the stress coursing through his body. He absolutely needed to fix this. 

“So you need a fake girlfriend for a swanky date tonight?” he asked, a brilliant plan already forming in his mind. 

“Do you have someone in mind?” John looked hopeful.

“As a matter of fact, I know just who to call.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmm I wonder who it could be???


	13. Dinner with Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes to dinner with his father to meet Martha's boyfriend. He brings along his "girlfriend" as promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here it is. I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. I think we've had enough angst in this story, so things should begin to look up soon. We're almost done. I think another 2-3 chapters should do it. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Comments are my sole source of nourishment. <3

As the car his father had provided pulled into the lot at Eleven Madison Park,John forced himself to outwardly maintain a level of calm that he did not feel. There were so many things that could go wrong in just the next 5 minutes alone.

He couldn’t fathom spending 2 hours dealing with this level of internal tension. He felt like a rope about to snap, fraying further with every second that passed.

“John, are you alright?” Peggy asked, her smile so gentle that John thought he might burst into tears if he didn’t look away. 

“Not really. This is a terrible idea. Maybe even the stupidest thing I’ve ever agreed to.”

“Your sister will be here,” Peggy laced her fingers through John’s, her demeanor radiating so much reassurance that John couldn’t help but absorb some of it. “She knows you’re bringing me and she’s happy that you’re coming regardless of who’s with you. Doesn’t that help take away some of the stress?”

“A little,” John admitted with a sigh. There really was no chance that his father would suspect him of lying, but it still felt like a very bad idea. “I don’t know. I hate that I’m lying like this. It’s different than keeping certain…things to myself. This is an actual, intentional lie.”

“You’re only doing what it takes to survive, John.” Peggy’s smile faltered, but she recovered so quickly that John was sure he’d imagined the whole thing.

They were escorted into the dining room by a man in a suit almost as fine as John’s. Ever since he’d finished his undergraduate studies, he’d been providing for himself, and that did not include outings to places that required $5000 suits. His father would surely comment on it.

Peggy, however, was absolutely stunning, her dress a soft yellow that made her caramel skin seem to glow. 

John’s dad stood when they approached the table, his eyes following John’s every movement. “Son, I’m glad you could make it.”

John was saved from replying by Martha, who was getting to her feet alongside a tall man with skin a few shades darker than her own. He could only assume that this must be David. John hugged his sister before anyone could say anything else. The contact, though brief, left him feeling more grounded than he had since leaving Alex back at his apartment. 

“John, this is David. David, my brother John. And you must be Peggy?” Martha skipped further pleasantries and moved right in for a hug. When they parted, Peggy was absolutely beaming. For a moment, John wished all of this could be real. That his life could be this simple. 

But then his mind conjured up an image of Alex, passed out on the floor in front of John’s couch surrounded by books, and he knew he wouldn’t trade his life for anything this world had to offer him. 

He smiled at Peggy, trying to let some of her sunshine in, but the second he looked over at his father, he felt the gloom return. This was a big mistake. He was beginning to wonder if bringing Alex wouldn't have been such a bad idea after all. At least that way he could have severely cut down the length of time stuck at dinner with his father. To be honest, they probably wouldn’t have even been able to sit down before his father raised his voice in objection.

John cleared his throat, forcing out as few words as possible. He didn’t want to explicitly lie if he didn’t have to. “Dad, this is Peggy.”

“I’d like to say I’ve heard so much about you Peggy, but I haven’t,” his father said, extending a hand towards her while sending a hard look John’s way. John didn’t do a very good job of smothering his resulting wince. 

“It’s nice to meet you, sir,” Peggy said with a smile, accepting the handshake without a hint of nervousness. This girl was tough. John supposed she had to be, having grown up with both Eliza and Angelica as older sisters. He could only imagine what the Schuyler household had been like when the three of them were teenagers. 

They all sat down and a waiter approached the table almost immediately. John’s father took the liberty of ordering a bottle of red wine that probably cost more than John’s entire living expenses for a month. 

John took a few large sips from his glass as his father began to speak. “So, John, since this is the first we’re hearing about Peggy, why don’t you tell us about how you met?”

He felt the tension building in his stomach until he thought he would explode with it. His voice came out quiet when he finally managed to speak. “Aren’t we here to get to know David? I wouldn’t want to steal the spotlight from him and Martha.”

“Oh, yes! Martha, how did you and David meet?” Peggy interjected excitedly, her eyes lighting up. John didn’t have to question whether or not she was genuinely interested. It was obvious that she was as she leaned in towards Martha and offered a friendly smile.

“We actually met at the post office on campus. David’s mailbox was next to mine and he kept getting my mail. One day, I was waiting behind him to check my mail when he turned and asked me, ‘Are you Martha Laurens?’ and that was that. I got my mail and we were both walking to the same dorm building, so we talked the whole way there and he asked me for my number!”

John smiled, his gaze shifting between Martha, whose joy was incredibly contagious, and David, who was looking at Martha like he’d never seen anyone so wonderful and wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve her affections. John knew what that look meant because he wore it all the time around Alex. The man was enamored.

“That’s sweet, isn’t it, John?” Peggy said, leaning back towards him, her shoulder pressed up against his. John was again reminded to be grateful for all of the amazing people in his life. He was going to owe Peggy something pretty special after all of this. 

He nodded, sending a smile across the table to his sister, whose eyes were glued to their father. It occurred to John that she was waiting for some sign of approval and he sincerely hoped she was going to get it. The man had to have some love for at least one of his kids, didn’t he?

John finished his first glass of wine, only to have the waiter return and refill it. 

“So, Dad, how have you been since the accident? I hope it didn’t interfere too much with your work,” John tried, hoping to steer the conversation away from himself and keep it that way. 

“I missed two weeks of work. Which you would have known had you bothered to call and speak to me after you left.” His father laughed, a humorless sound that brought a chill down John’s spine.

Martha’s gaze darted over to John and she seemed to realize he wasn’t going to defend himself. “Dad, you don’t need to be so harsh. He asked about your condition every time I spoke to him in the last month.”

“Of course, sweetheart. I suppose I should not have expected anything more than that. After all, from what you tell me, you’re very busy, son.”

And so it went for another fifteen minutes, John weakly shouldering the brunt of his father’s verbal aggression at every turn in the conversation. By the time they had their food, John was no longer hungry, his stomach twisted up in knots. 

All he had to do was get through another 45 minutes, but it felt like each second that ticked past was an hour. He didn’t know if he had the strength of will to make it another 5 minutes, let alone ten times that amount. 

“Excuse me,” he murmured, getting to his feet without waiting for a response. He laid a hand on Peggy’s arm, but did not meet her gaze before rushing off to the bathroom with what little composure he had left. 

He slipped into a stall and called Alex, not sure what else to do. 

“Hey, how’s it going?” Alex asked and John felt his anxiety lessen just at the sound of his voice. That realization choked him up, making it difficult to speak around the tightness in his throat. 

Alex seemed to sense this. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just—” John felt his breath catch as he tried to inhale. He stopped speaking abruptly, not wanting to cry. He wouldn’t be able to stop and the fact that he’d been crying would be excessively obvious to the entire dinner party as soon as he stepped foot into the brightly lit restaurant. “I can’t do this.”

“Should I come there?” Alex was concerned and John suddenly felt awful for calling him. Why was it that he couldn’t handle this by himself? How could his father still get to him this much, after all this time? He’d really thought he was beyond all of this, but as recent events had made clear, he was obviously wrong. 

“You shouldn’t.” John held his breath against the pressure building in his throat, his eyes burning with unshed tears. “My father…he’s…”

Alex sighed. “I know, but I was wrong to put you in this situation. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to suffer through this. There’s no point. You don’t owe your father anything but the truth. If he can’t accept it, then screw him.”

“I’m going to leave early,” John decided, Alex’s words giving him the strength he needed to stand up to his father, even in such a small way. “I’ll text you, okay?”

“Okay.”

John hung up. Knowing this bout of bravery and its accompanying steeliness was going to fade quickly once he got off the phone, he had to act fast. By the time he made it back to their table, he knew they needed to leave immediately or else he was going to end up making some kind of scene. 

It would either be tears or a fight and neither option sounded like something he wanted to see play out any time soon. 

“Son, what took you so long?” came his father’s voice, tone suggesting that answering the question was not optional. 

“Pegs, come on, we’re leaving.” 

Peggy’s expression warped into confusion for only a moment before she gathered herself and stood to leave. Briefly, John felt guilty for interrupting her conversation with Martha. But Peggy was only here because John needed her to be and she surely wouldn’t mind having this entire affair end as soon as possible. 

“What? What’s the meaning of this?” his father demanded, getting to his feet. 

John ignored him and hugged his sister, with a whispered, “I’m sorry, I just can’t do this.”

He felt her nod against his chest. She had to understand, at least in part, that this was pure torture for him and it didn’t reflect upon his love for her. He really did want to sit down and talk to her and David, but not like this. Not with his father throwing in barbed comments every other sentence and looking at John like he’d betrayed the family somehow.

“David, it was nice to meet you,” he offered, shaking the man’s hand with a tight smile that he hoped looked sincere. “We’ll have to arrange for a raincheck another time.”

John didn’t look at his father. He didn’t think he could survive the hard gaze he would have been greeted with. This was an even bigger mess than he’d expected it to be.

By the time they made it outside, John was shaking, feeling like he’d just run a marathon. His stomach lurched and it was all he could do not to throw up the expensive meal he’d barely even sampled. The wine he’d basically chugged straight from the bottle was probably a mistake. 

“John, are you alright?”

John blinked, briefly wondering if it was possible for intense emotional stress and three glasses of expensive wine to lead to hallucinations. “Alex? How are you here?” 

“I left as soon as I answered your call. Just in case.”

John tried to smile, but when he met Alex’s eyes, his control finally slipped and he burst into tears instead. Alex wrapped his arms around John in a tight hug, pulling John’s face against his shoulder. He wanted to go home and sit on the couch with Alex for a few hours. That might be enough to help him return to some semblance of normalcy.

“Can we please leave?” John mumbled, once he found his voice again. 

“Jack!” 

He pulled away from Alex, his heart in his throat even before he made eye contact with his father. This was not going to end well.

His father came closer, the anger obvious on his usually impassive face. John stepped back reflexively. The last time he’d seen his father this pissed off, the argument had become physical, and John did not wish to repeat that ever again. His mother had been so upset.

“The level of disrespect you have shown to me is unacceptable! Not only that, but your sister is horrified by your behavior. She’s completely distraught, thinking you do not approve of her relationship with David. I can’t say I’m surprised by your impudence, but to treat your own family like we mean nothing to you, that is something I cannot allow. You will—”

“Dad, I—” he began, trying to offer some kind of defense for himself, but his father wasn’t interested. It was probably for the best, considering he didn’t know what the hell he could possibly say to fix any of this. 

“How dare you interrupt me?” his father shouted, his gestures become more erratic the angrier he got. John wanted to walk away from him, but that didn’t seem like a real option at the moment. “Your mother would be so—”

“Don’t bring her into this.” The iciness of John’s voice surprised even himself.

His father took a step closer and before John had a chance to react, Alex was dragging him backwards by the arm. After a brief moment of disorientation, he felt Peggy take his hand, the gesture bringing him comfort he didn’t think was possible at this point.

“Son, this is a private affair. You will do well to stay out of it.”

“Don’t call me son,” Alex growled, apparently deciding that he needed to put himself bodily between John and his father. 

John wasn’t surprised that his father didn’t take well to Alex’s tone. “Don’t speak to me like that. I am your elder and I—”

“Alex—” John forced his voice to carry, wanting to prevent whatever confrontation was about to occur. He knew Alex wouldn’t drop it and it needed to be dropped. This wasn’t worth it. Arguing with his father was _never_ worth it.

“What is he doing here?” John’s father demanded, his eyes shifting to John, searching for an answer that didn’t exist. At least, the reality wasn’t anything that his father would have guessed at. Nothing John said would be an acceptable answer. 

He tried anyway. “He’s here for me.”

“Your sister is in tears over your conduct tonight. Wait until she finds out it’s because you made other plans with your _friends_.” The way he snarled the word friends made John wonder if his father had ever had a friend in his entire life. 

With his eyes locked on Alex and his hand still clasped in Peggy’s, John found courage he didn’t know he had. “He’s not my friend, he’s—”

His father scoffed, gaze hard as he stared Alex down. “Then what would possess you to walk out on your own _family_ , Jack?”

“He’s my boyfriend.” The words left John’s mouth and the rest of his energy went with them, dissipating into the cool night air. He had nothing left to give. If not for Peggy’s sudden grip around his waist, he would have ended up in a heap on the ground, he was sure of it. 

His father seemed stunned. A heavy silence hung in the air, and for a moment, John briefly entertained the fantasy that his father might accept him for who he was. Maybe things would—

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Jacky. I knew something like this would happen when you moved away from home. You’re confused, son. As someone who cares about your wellbeing, I cannot let—”

John had barely processed those words when Alex’s voice registered, cutting through his father’s admonishment with ease. “What you are is an indescribably poor excuse for a father.” 

Everything seemed to freeze around them, and John couldn’t pry his attention away from Alex long enough to even glance at his father’s face. Alex was oddly composed, his tone not even half as confrontational as it was in normal daily conversation. 

“It’s really quite extraordinary that John has managed to become such an amazing person under the supervision of such a colossal dickhead. Actually, I think that’s what your problem is. You can’t stand the fact that your son has created his own success in a world without you.” Alex, several inches shorter than John’s father, seemed to loom over him, his words carrying an immense amount of power. 

After a deep breath, Alex continued, losing some of his calmness. “He doesn’t need you. In fact, he’s better off without you and your negative bullshit in his life. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re leaving.”

With that, Alex turned around and offered John a bright smile and a hand to hold. 

John saw his father shift out of the corner of his eye and he was moving before he even had a chance to consider the consequences. 

The force of the punch that connected with John’s cheekbone drove him back a step. His own anger blossomed, threatening to overwhelm his control, but he possessed enough willpower to at least take a breath before he slammed his fist into his father’s face. 

“John!”

Martha was standing a few feet away, her eyes wide as she took in the scene. At the look on her face, he felt the guilt begin to build in his gut. This was yet another emotional rollercoaster he wasn’t prepared to handle. 

“Martha, I—” his voice cut out as his sister ran across the sidewalk towards them. He expected her to stop by their father, who was kneeling on the ground with a hand over his right eye, but she kept running until she had her arms flung around John.

“It’s okay. I love you, but please don’t put yourself through something like that again. Not for me.”

John was reeling. He nodded, but the next few minutes turned hazy, and it wasn’t until a car horn blasted right next to them that John realized they’d been walking. Alex’s arm around his shoulders was the only thing keeping him from veering into the street. 

“Let’s stop at Laf’s, okay?”

John didn’t answer.

The rest of the trip was a blur to John, the experience mired in a foggy haze. By the time he was seated on someone’s couch, he was too tired to even question where he was. Hopefully he didn’t have a concussion.

“John, mon cher, how are you feeling?” Lafayette asked, his voice soothing, a reminder that there was still good in this world. He was surrounded by it. Nothing his father had to say was going to change that.

“Hey, Laf,” John murmured, too exhausted to open his eyes. He was using all his energy to divert his thoughts away from what had happened. He felt stupid for ever expecting that this lie would work and even worse, that he’d had any hope of his father accepting his relationship with Alex. 

His face throbbed, but not as much as his right hand, and he thought maybe that meant his father had gotten the worst of it. 

Someone touched his cheek. 

He flinched, opening his eyes long enough to see Alex’s face, then a cold compress was being pressed against his skin and he was drifting out of reality again. 

____________

 

John blinked awake only to find himself in a dark room, his head throbbing. He sat up, intending to get himself some ibuprofen or something to help with the pain, when everything came back to him all at once. Images flickered through his mind, starting with the awful visit from his father that morning and ending with John punching his own father in the face.

He didn’t regret it. He only wished it hadn’t happened in front of Martha. 

Something moved beside him and his gaze flicked in that direction. It was dark, but he knew he was in his own bedroom. He remembered collapsing on Lafayette’s couch, but he had no recollection of the walk home. When his gaze focused and he saw Alex sleeping in a chair by his bed, he figured he must have had something to do with it. 

“Alex?” John called, reaching out a hand to tap him on the shoulder. He didn’t get that far though. Alex jerked awake, his eyes focusing on John as sleep quickly faded from them.

“Hey, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” Alex asked, leaning over to John’s end-stand while he spoke. “Headache?”

“Yeah,” John barely had a chance to respond before Alex was offering him a couple ibuprofen and a glass of water. He didn’t let himself analyze any of the 40 different emotions that coursed through him within that instant. Instead, he took the pills and passed the glass back to Alex. “Thank you, Alex.”

“Any time. Actually, no, I’d rather you didn’t do this again any time soon, if you want my opinion.” Alex was smiling, but even in the darkness, John could tell it was a tense smile. He wasn’t happy about any of this.

“I’m sorry,” John murmured, wishing tonight had never happened, but glad that he had someone like Alex by his side through it all. He laid back, his headache dying down a bit as soon as his head hit the pillow. “Will you stay with me?”

“Of course, love.” Alex leaned forward and grabbed John’s hand. He squeezed back, turning his head in Alex’s direction. “I’ve already been here half the night. Why would I leave now?”

John surprised himself by laughing at that. “No, I meant _with me_ , like in my bed.” 

“Oh.” Alex smiled. “If you’re sure?”

John nodded and Alex stood up, stretching as he made his way around the bed. He slipped into the empty space beside John and hesitated before pulling the blanket over himself.

“Come here,” John whispered and Alex was quick to comply, fitting himself perfectly in John’s arms. John kissed his cheek as Alex intertwined their hands, the entire experience too much and not enough all at once. He didn’t know how he’d waited so long to do this.

Somehow, despite the day he’d had, John fell asleep with a smile on his face. 


	14. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue. John reunites with a long-lost...friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's been a while....things got busy and I totally forgot about this and I feel so bad not finishing it! There are a lot of things I could continue writing about, but I'm not going to. What you are getting here is a short epilogue that I hope is satisfying.
> 
> Maybe some day there will be a sequel or some additional content, but as of right now, probably not. Feel free to tell me what you like to read more about & maybe it'll help me get back into this story. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing this story with me! It's been fun and I hope you enjoyed it. <3
> 
> (PS. I would just like to say, for the record, John's asexuality is not representative of the experiences of all people on the ace spectrum. This was written with my own experiences in mind as well as those of others I know or have read about, and it definitely does not reflect the experiences of every ace person out there.)

“Alex, are you almost ready?” John called from where he was sitting in the living room, knowing what Alex’s response was going to be before he even asked the question. The sound of the bathroom door creaking open set his nerves buzzing as a fresh wave of excitement coursed through him. It’d felt like hours had passed since Alex had gone in to take a shower. 

“This is the third time you’ve asked me that in the last 5 minutes,” Alex commented, stepping into the living room only long enough to kiss John on the cheek. John smiled, his heart feeling like it might explode from emotional overload. “Give me a few minutes to get dressed, okay? I promise I’ll hurry.”

John sighed, feeling more impatient with every passing second. He knew Alex understood why he was in such a hurry to leave. He’d been planning this event with Lafayette and Hercules for months and now that it was finally happening, he could hardly contain his emotions. The fact that they’d somehow convinced George Washington to speak only added to John’s elation. 

It was going to be nothing short of amazing.

John got to his feet and began to pace, the excited energy coursing through his body making it difficult to simply sit still on the couch. They’d finalized the schedule for the event a week ago. Lafayette would open, followed by a performance from the Spoken Word group on campus, who had agreed to get together over the summer specifically for this event. John was incredibly grateful for their willingness to accommodate the repeated postponement of the event. 

After the spoken word group, they had 10 different performances, some groups and some individuals, all with 10-15 minute time slots. The event would end with George’s lecture and some time for discussion afterwards. 

Since Eliza was such a sweetheart, she offered to make a whole bunch of baked goods to serve as free refreshments. The fact that Angelica let her offer them for free said an awful lot about how secretly sweet Angelica was, too. John was going to owe both of them big time. 

They’d have to wait in line behind Peggy, of course. 

John was just about to begin another round of whining at Alex when he stumbled over something next to the coffee table. The sound of books toppling to the floor reminded him of just how intertwined his and Alex’s lives had become. Looking around the living room, there were stacks of books and papers in at least a dozen places, all Alex’s. 

His gaze fell to the ruined pile by his feet, where several books were now spread across the floor. With a twinge of guilt, John began organizing the books into a neat stack, hoping they hadn’t been in a specific order.

The last book left on the floor was actually a journal, one that held John’s attention for a little too long when he picked it up. His sudden realization that this was the journal made him gasp aloud and he nearly dropped the book in his surprise. 

Obviously Alex still had it. John couldn’t fathom why it came as such a shock to him that this journal had somehow found its way into his home a second time. He flipped through the pages, hoping Alex wouldn’t mind this little bout of self-indulgence. After all, this was the journal that had given him a headache for three days straight. 

Page after page was filled with writing in an even script that John easily recognized as Alex’s. It was just a journal, he told himself, feeling a bit light-headed as he was confronted with the object that had started a new and amazing chapter in his life. 

He was just about to return the heavy tome to the stack by his feet when his eyes fell across a piece of writing that looked completely out of place. Where there were usually full lines of text stretching from left to right across each page was instead a passage written in two narrow columns. At the top of the page was a single word in a larger script: “John”.

The words that followed had John in tears before he’d reached the second stanza. 

————————————

“John?” Alex murmured, hesitating for a moment when he saw that John was kneeling on the floor with one of his personal journals in his lap. He looked like he’d been crying and Alex had to force back a wave of panic before he could speak again. “Is something wrong?”

John sniffled and glanced up from the journal in his hands to where Alex stood in the doorway. He offered a sheepish smile, like he knew he’d been caught with something he shouldn’t have, and raised the journal in Alex’s direction. “I hate this stupid thing.”

John tossed the journal at him and Alex scrambled to catch it, not sure what exactly John had found. There were a few things written in this specific journal that might have caused such a reaction, but it was impossible to tell which of them John had seen. Nonetheless, the worried expression on Alex’s face gave way to amusement as he turned the journal over in his hands. “What did it do to you this time?”

“I tripped over it,” John explained, getting to his feet and crossing the room to stand in front of Alex. They stared at each other for a moment before John continued, “But that was probably 5 minutes ago. I might have read a few pages since then.”

“Anything interesting?” Alex quipped, feigning ignorance. By this point, he was pretty sure he knew exactly what John had seen, but the smile John flashed his way was worth it. 

“Not really. Just a bunch of politics. Your opinion on tax reform was incredibly moving.” 

Alex laughed so hard it startled John into laughter of his own. When they finally settled down, they were both openly staring at each other, the light in John’s eyes setting Alex’s heart ablaze. It was amazing to think some stupid accident had brought them into each other’s lives. How had he gotten so lucky? 

Alex was suddenly very grateful to the jerk who’d bumped into his table all those months ago. 

“I think this proves you wrong,” Alex said, then placed the journal atop a stack of his books just inside the doorway. He should probably get himself a bookshelf or something, especially if John was going to start tripping over the wayward stacks. 

John smiled, but he was clearly confused. “What do you mean?”

“Throwing things at people is a great way to make friends.”

“Didn’t we already establish that we aren’t just friends?” John grumbled, reaching out to grasp one of Alex’s hands in his, before seemingly changing his mind and hugging Alex like the world was about to end. Alex returned the gesture, grinning against John’s shoulder.

After a moment, John pulled back a little and planted a light kiss on Alex’s cheek. It brought the butterflies in Alex’s stomach to life and he smiled, wanting nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with John. 

“Are you ready yet?” John asked, still inhabiting Alex’s space like it was the most natural place to be. 

Alex grinned, taking one of John’s hands in his own. 

“Yeah, let’s go.”


End file.
